Why, to watch TO ruin the team of my youth thanks in High Definition. From here on out, you can catch me, and probably P, at my parents on Sunday afternoons. P and my mother will probably sleeping while Dad and I will be dog cussing Jerry Jones and the Cowboys for signing Hitler to a multi-year deal, and all in glorious HD on a 52in plasma.
Eff you Jerry Jones! Hugs and kisses Dish Network........
Thursday, August 31
Thursday, August 24
Mole Jeep 1 : Honda Tard 0
As most of you can tell, I have a very short temper with certain kinds of people. When I drive, this can escalate; I've been known to throw milkshakes. Anyway, I drive with authority. I'm always looking ahead to plot a course as well as looking behind to make sure I'm not holding anyone up. It's the people who are like the two year olds learning to walk that irritate me. You know the type; they're the ones that like a two year old are just happy to be moving. They're not paying attention; they just wander aimlessly, getting in the way of others. The worst of these are the import tuners. They are the ones that buy the 10 year old Hondas, manually cut their stock springs to lower it, and install fiberglass kits and wheels that are worth twice as much as the car itself. If you add in glowing dashboards you too can prove that you are, in fact, Fast and Furious.
Please.
The worst aspect of these people and their pimped out rides, is the fart tube. It's that muffler, with the 3-inch tip that makes any Honda, or Toyota, sound like my ass when I eat ice cream. These people baffle me. I just want to strangle them when they pull up next to me and "rev" that rubber band engine. Look clown, just because you put a wing, and painted wheels on your rice burning piece of shit doesn’t make it faster than when you pulled that thing off the lot. The fact is, you bought a car that is marketed to ignorant kids that have no idea what real power under the hood is.
This leads me to my latest encounter with a Honda Civic, which was "tuned". I was out paying my electric bill, and was pulling out from the utilities company. I crossed over a road and waited for a car that was coming to clear so that I could safely pull out. Unfortunately for me, some poor man's answer to a Britney Spears' back up dancer honks at me. Like I said earlier, I'm a pretty defensive driver, but that's when I'm in the city, not the little sleepy country town that I live. Who the hell is in a hurry here?
For some reason though, I think, "Shit, I need to go", and I start to pull forward. Then as I'm rolling into first gear, the Mole pops in:
Maybe one day he'll have a big boy car too!
Please.
The worst aspect of these people and their pimped out rides, is the fart tube. It's that muffler, with the 3-inch tip that makes any Honda, or Toyota, sound like my ass when I eat ice cream. These people baffle me. I just want to strangle them when they pull up next to me and "rev" that rubber band engine. Look clown, just because you put a wing, and painted wheels on your rice burning piece of shit doesn’t make it faster than when you pulled that thing off the lot. The fact is, you bought a car that is marketed to ignorant kids that have no idea what real power under the hood is.
This leads me to my latest encounter with a Honda Civic, which was "tuned". I was out paying my electric bill, and was pulling out from the utilities company. I crossed over a road and waited for a car that was coming to clear so that I could safely pull out. Unfortunately for me, some poor man's answer to a Britney Spears' back up dancer honks at me. Like I said earlier, I'm a pretty defensive driver, but that's when I'm in the city, not the little sleepy country town that I live. Who the hell is in a hurry here?
For some reason though, I think, "Shit, I need to go", and I start to pull forward. Then as I'm rolling into first gear, the Mole pops in:
Mole: What the fuck are you doing?So, fuck it, I stop. However, just like a two year old learning to walk, this guy never notices that something is in front of him and he runs into me. Am I mad, am I hurt, hell no. I'm a in a Jeep, and these things are built to be turned over, plus my bumper is made of steel. That's right real "merican" steel. So with a grin half cocked, I throw the parking break on, and get out.
Adam: Who me?
Mole: Yes roach clip. Why are you pulling forward for this clown?
Adam: Well, he honked.
Mole: Look man, we've already had this discussion once.
Adam: Be Steve?
Mole: If I weren't you, I'd kick you in the nuts, you're so stupid.
Honda Douche: Dude, you don't have any damage.So, shaking my head and laughing, I get in, and pull away.
Mole: I know, I'm just admiring my new paint.
HD: What?
Mole: Nothing, are you OK?
HD: Yeah dude we're fine. (HiZ GuRl WuZ WiT DaT DuDe)
Mole: Does your muffler still work?
HD: My what?
Mole: Your Fart Tube!
HD: *sighs* Yes?
Mole: Too bad. Look man, pay attention next time, or buy a car that isn't made by Fisher Price.
Maybe one day he'll have a big boy car too!
Friday, August 18
Mongo BAD, Do BAD BAD Things
Though this happened earlier this year, the Ohio Universtiy football player that was accused of punching a police horse plead no contest, and was fined $100.
I wonder if the police horse got cards and gifts????
I wonder if the police horse got cards and gifts????
Wednesday, August 16
My Partner
I lost my partner on Tuesday.
There are a lot of people you run across in life. Some are intellectuals, some are athletes, some are followers, some are leaders, and some are assholes. David Gann was all of those traits, and knew when to utilize each of them to get through any situation. As an intellectual, he constantly kept his nose in his rulebook. He studied, read, and went to classes, so that he would know his craft inside and out. As an athlete, he took pride in his ability to work in conditions that most would find unbearable. In the hot Texas heat, this man would don long navy pants, shin guards, chest protectors, a facemask, steel plated shoes, and a wool hat. He would call games that would seemingly last forever, for teams that were rarely grateful of his presence; just because he loved being around the competition. As a follower, he knew when to shut up and listen. He knew that when certain people told him things he needed to improve on, he'd do it. There would be no questions, he wouldn't roll his eyes and wait for that person to leave so he could go back to the way HE wanted to do it. He would correct his mistake; he would become a better official. As a leader, he would take other younger officials under his wing and tutor them. He would take a role that others took with him so that if they wanted to, the officials he worked with could become better at what they did. And, as an asshole, he knew when to draw the line. He knew when it was time to pull the trigger, and he knew when to say enough was enough. His games never got out of hand.
David and I met 5 years ago when we both joined the Greenville High School fast-pitch softball chapter. We both excelled at the sport, and quickly rose up through the ranks of not only our local association, but also within the ranks of the State ASA organization. Whenever there was a tournament, we rode together. When we called championship play, we always managed to get the same assignment both at the State and National level. And when we went to these tourneys, we showed the world what kind of good young umpires were coming to ASA.
Two weeks ago, I called my last tournament with David at an ASA National, because Tuesday he was killed at work. My competition is gone. The man who personally pushed me to be a better umpire is gone. The reason why I continue to ref football this season is gone. Had it not been for him and our 3rd running buddy, I was going to hang up my stripes. As it stands, I've ventured off on my own with a new varsity crew, and me helming the Referee position. I would have never done that had it not been for him.
Though officiating is a hobby of sorts, I'm a professional. There are very few of us at this level that act in that manner when it comes to officiating, but David was one as well. It's a thankless job we do, and now that he’s gone, I'll never have the chance to thank him for how he pushed me to be the best that I can be. It just seemed like yesterday when we were making plans to try out for a college rotation this fall. I guess I’ll be going by myself.
David Gann was a husband, a father, an official, and a friend.
I'll miss you bud, but I'll never forget you.
There are a lot of people you run across in life. Some are intellectuals, some are athletes, some are followers, some are leaders, and some are assholes. David Gann was all of those traits, and knew when to utilize each of them to get through any situation. As an intellectual, he constantly kept his nose in his rulebook. He studied, read, and went to classes, so that he would know his craft inside and out. As an athlete, he took pride in his ability to work in conditions that most would find unbearable. In the hot Texas heat, this man would don long navy pants, shin guards, chest protectors, a facemask, steel plated shoes, and a wool hat. He would call games that would seemingly last forever, for teams that were rarely grateful of his presence; just because he loved being around the competition. As a follower, he knew when to shut up and listen. He knew that when certain people told him things he needed to improve on, he'd do it. There would be no questions, he wouldn't roll his eyes and wait for that person to leave so he could go back to the way HE wanted to do it. He would correct his mistake; he would become a better official. As a leader, he would take other younger officials under his wing and tutor them. He would take a role that others took with him so that if they wanted to, the officials he worked with could become better at what they did. And, as an asshole, he knew when to draw the line. He knew when it was time to pull the trigger, and he knew when to say enough was enough. His games never got out of hand.
David and I met 5 years ago when we both joined the Greenville High School fast-pitch softball chapter. We both excelled at the sport, and quickly rose up through the ranks of not only our local association, but also within the ranks of the State ASA organization. Whenever there was a tournament, we rode together. When we called championship play, we always managed to get the same assignment both at the State and National level. And when we went to these tourneys, we showed the world what kind of good young umpires were coming to ASA.
Two weeks ago, I called my last tournament with David at an ASA National, because Tuesday he was killed at work. My competition is gone. The man who personally pushed me to be a better umpire is gone. The reason why I continue to ref football this season is gone. Had it not been for him and our 3rd running buddy, I was going to hang up my stripes. As it stands, I've ventured off on my own with a new varsity crew, and me helming the Referee position. I would have never done that had it not been for him.
Though officiating is a hobby of sorts, I'm a professional. There are very few of us at this level that act in that manner when it comes to officiating, but David was one as well. It's a thankless job we do, and now that he’s gone, I'll never have the chance to thank him for how he pushed me to be the best that I can be. It just seemed like yesterday when we were making plans to try out for a college rotation this fall. I guess I’ll be going by myself.
David Gann was a husband, a father, an official, and a friend.
I'll miss you bud, but I'll never forget you.
Saturday, August 12
I'm Trying This New Fad Called Jogging. I Believe It's Jogging or Yogging, it Might be a Soft J.
So the past few months I've had a continued effort to lose weight. Back in March my Doctor flat told me, "Adam, you're too fat". Now, I didn't hold it against him because he's eastern European, and really doesn't know the language well enough to sugar coat anything. But, I did take his message to heart since I don't want to be on blood pressure medication before I'm 30, and I started back into a work out and diet regime. It's been a struggle over the past month with everything that's been going on in my life but today I got back on my mountain bike. I've got a little 8-mile ride down mostly dirt roads and I learned one thing today. When you're 4+ miles into your ride, and you catch a whiff of rotting Longhorn flesh, it'll make you want to throw up.
Tomorrow I’ll run instead of ride.
Tomorrow I’ll run instead of ride.
Wednesday, August 9
Mole Goes To A Gay Bar
Ok, so the posts have been sparse lately but I've been busy. I've officially added a new member to my Clan in P, and basically went to Mexico to call a fast pitch softball 16u National Championship tournament; which by the way, I got the plate assignment in the championship game. Anyway, I've been sitting on an experience for nearly a year now that I had with Buddy 1 from the Grape Snow Cones entry. Long story short, I went to a gay bar.
It all started on a cool weekend back in November. I was in McKinney Texas calling a college showcase tournament. These are huge tournaments in which teams from all over the Nation come in and play meaningless games so that scouting agencies and coaches have a chance to see a bunch of players in one setting. I worked with guys that call Big 12, hell, there was even a guy there that worked the plate in the championship game of the World Cup of Softball last month, so it was a cool environment. After the Saturday games were over two other umpires and I were looking for a place to drink. Unfortunately the bar scene in McKinney isn't exactly "hapnin" so everyone went home. For me though, home was not an option, because I was on a mission to drink malted hops, and I'll be damned if I wasn't. So, I start driving toward downtown stinking like asparagus and febreze. I call up Buddy 1 who will be known hence forth as The Devil:
After TD and I mange to piss of the straight people and drink the rest of their beer, it's time to boogie to a bar. As we're walking out the old rafter chick comes running. We say we’re off to a bar, but she has a friend John that is about to meet her, and he wants us to come with him. John pulls up and I'm introduced:
John explains that we're going to this bar called S4, so have Julie follow him. He leaves and TD explains to me that S4 is a gay bar. Now, I'm not as apprehensive to this idea as say, Joe Lieberman being used as target practice for Mel Gibson’s personal gun range, but the idea of going to a gay bar is not that appealing. However, since neither of us are in any shape to drive, and I want more alcohol, I decide “it'll be alright, I'll just chill on a bar stool and drink a beer, right”? This is not the case however. We wind up in the Oak Lawn district of Dallas, the gay district of course, and follow John to the doors. It seems like it takes 15 minutes to get in, and the people in line are crazy, but not over effeminate. I'm feeling comfortable, *it'll be ok Mole*. As I near the doors to this place, the thump of trashy techno gets louder, the voices get more high-pitches, and the "product" necessary to make hair do the things I saw would make Günter & The Sunshine Girls sick.
We pay to get in and, for me; I'm bearing witness to something that is like a cross between the club parts of the movie 54, and the orgy scene in Summer of Sam. Seriously, I felt like Ricky Bobby when he said, “I’m gettin' kinda dizzy....from all the...gayness." It was weird, drinks were in order, and since the buzz was wearing off from the wait in line, they were needed FAST. So, as John goes off to play, Julie, TD, and I go upstairs to the less crowded bar. So if being downstairs was like being in 70's sex hell, upstairs was.......was.......was, something that will be saved for later, I'm sick of writing now.
It all started on a cool weekend back in November. I was in McKinney Texas calling a college showcase tournament. These are huge tournaments in which teams from all over the Nation come in and play meaningless games so that scouting agencies and coaches have a chance to see a bunch of players in one setting. I worked with guys that call Big 12, hell, there was even a guy there that worked the plate in the championship game of the World Cup of Softball last month, so it was a cool environment. After the Saturday games were over two other umpires and I were looking for a place to drink. Unfortunately the bar scene in McKinney isn't exactly "hapnin" so everyone went home. For me though, home was not an option, because I was on a mission to drink malted hops, and I'll be damned if I wasn't. So, I start driving toward downtown stinking like asparagus and febreze. I call up Buddy 1 who will be known hence forth as The Devil:
TD: Mole! My friends suck.There aren't too many times in my life that I'm speechless, but I was at a loss of words while my imagination tried to conjure this image.
M: What?
TD: Mole, I'm stuck at a party with some old chick, and these people are dinking wine while a group of fags are in the corner playing foosball.
TD: Dude, I've got to get out of here and my friends either won't answer the phone, or they're too stoned to come get me.When I finally pull up, TD meets me on the sidewalk and ushers me into another world it seems. I walk up on a scene of some chick hanging upside down from the back porch rafters by her knees, her big fake cans ready to pop out, a group of pseudo intellectuals dressed in clothes I can only assume cost more than the gross national product of Haiti. Not only that, they're talking about such enriching topics like the new Herbie Movie and if the more curvy Lohan, is better looking that coked out version, and of course, a group of gay men in the corner of the yard playing foosball. Me, I'm in flips flops, Levis, a white T-Shirt and my new Budweiser red camo hat bought at the Nextel Cup race from the previous weekend. Thankfully, these people offer me a beer. While I'm polishing it off, I find the "wearing the tight shirt but I have a gut” guy showing off his new iPod as if he's the cave man in 2001: A Space Odyssey discovering a bone can be used as blunt object of destruction. Damn, I wish he would have grunted. Anyway, I'm introduced to everyone, brave their witty conversation, and generally try to be as contradictory and snide as possible, all while sporting an extra thick east Texas accent. The thing about THESE Dallas types is their blatant lack of respect for anyone that lives within a few miles of a sale barn. They look at me and see bumpkin, I look at them and see my verbal fist crushing their skull.
M: Don't worry man; I'm heading your way.
TD: Really?
M: Yeah man, I'm driving down 75, butt naked, but I'll be there in 20 clothed. (You get good at changing clothes in the car when you're an official)
TD: Sweet, I'm off Greenville Ave.
M: Alright, I'll call when I exit Mockingbird, so have someone reasonably sober close to give me directions.
After TD and I mange to piss of the straight people and drink the rest of their beer, it's time to boogie to a bar. As we're walking out the old rafter chick comes running. We say we’re off to a bar, but she has a friend John that is about to meet her, and he wants us to come with him. John pulls up and I'm introduced:
TD: Mole, this is John, he's a fag.Hi John.
John explains that we're going to this bar called S4, so have Julie follow him. He leaves and TD explains to me that S4 is a gay bar. Now, I'm not as apprehensive to this idea as say, Joe Lieberman being used as target practice for Mel Gibson’s personal gun range, but the idea of going to a gay bar is not that appealing. However, since neither of us are in any shape to drive, and I want more alcohol, I decide “it'll be alright, I'll just chill on a bar stool and drink a beer, right”? This is not the case however. We wind up in the Oak Lawn district of Dallas, the gay district of course, and follow John to the doors. It seems like it takes 15 minutes to get in, and the people in line are crazy, but not over effeminate. I'm feeling comfortable, *it'll be ok Mole*. As I near the doors to this place, the thump of trashy techno gets louder, the voices get more high-pitches, and the "product" necessary to make hair do the things I saw would make Günter & The Sunshine Girls sick.
We pay to get in and, for me; I'm bearing witness to something that is like a cross between the club parts of the movie 54, and the orgy scene in Summer of Sam. Seriously, I felt like Ricky Bobby when he said, “I’m gettin' kinda dizzy....from all the...gayness." It was weird, drinks were in order, and since the buzz was wearing off from the wait in line, they were needed FAST. So, as John goes off to play, Julie, TD, and I go upstairs to the less crowded bar. So if being downstairs was like being in 70's sex hell, upstairs was.......was.......was, something that will be saved for later, I'm sick of writing now.
Problem Solving
As many of you know, the human brain is a problem solving powerhouse. From early times when we figured out how to create fire, to more recently when we put men in space and learned to split the atom.
Some people though should never be allowed to problem solve because they're stupid. Thankful we won't have this Brazilian man spreading his "seed" of stupidity any further after he died trying to open a grenade with sledgehammer.
Some people though should never be allowed to problem solve because they're stupid. Thankful we won't have this Brazilian man spreading his "seed" of stupidity any further after he died trying to open a grenade with sledgehammer.
Sunday, July 30
Wedding & Softball
So, it's been a while since the old Mole has posted. I know, I know, you've all been wondering what I've been up to. Well, for one, my left hand is now heavier. Yes, it's true, Christy actually agreed to sleep in the same bed with me "till death do us part". That means she's stuck with the Dutch ovens for as long as my lactose intolerant ass wants to eat ice cream.
For those that are wondering, the wedding was everything we could have dreamed of and more. I can't begin to thank the friends and family that joined us in Las Vegas, and I can't begin to explain the feelings that welled up in me watching P walk down the aisle, to say that it was surreal is an understatement. So, what does a newly wedded husband do when after he gets home? Well, if you're the Mole, you don't write thank you cards, that's what the woman is for, and she betta know her place. While P is at home being "domestic", I took a road trip.
Back in April I got selected to an ASA National, so I'm down in McAllen, TX waiting on my first game and umpire meeting. Actually, not waiting, just drunk blogging. So, since the turn out for this 16u B wasn't really high I'll try to give some updates and details later in the week about our excursion to Vegas. For now, I'll leave a link with the pics for the event, enjoy.
Wedding Pics
For those that are wondering, the wedding was everything we could have dreamed of and more. I can't begin to thank the friends and family that joined us in Las Vegas, and I can't begin to explain the feelings that welled up in me watching P walk down the aisle, to say that it was surreal is an understatement. So, what does a newly wedded husband do when after he gets home? Well, if you're the Mole, you don't write thank you cards, that's what the woman is for, and she betta know her place. While P is at home being "domestic", I took a road trip.
Back in April I got selected to an ASA National, so I'm down in McAllen, TX waiting on my first game and umpire meeting. Actually, not waiting, just drunk blogging. So, since the turn out for this 16u B wasn't really high I'll try to give some updates and details later in the week about our excursion to Vegas. For now, I'll leave a link with the pics for the event, enjoy.
Wedding Pics
Monday, July 17
Dirty Star Wars Fantasies Come True!!!!
At heart I love geeky Star Wars stuff, and because of that I kinda want to see this movie. IMDB is reporting that Goya's Ghosts will feature a scene in which Natalie Portman will "bare all". Even though, the circumstance of her nudity is that she is accused of atheism and stripped as torture, I'm sure the Mole will be able to get passed that because, really, it's still Natalie Portman naked.
Thursday, July 13
Cookies For The Kids
I knew it was going to be a good day today. In Austin Texas, police have confiscated a Pringles can filled with "Crack Cookies".
A picture of this is at Boing Boing's site. Click here.
***I guess the "Once you pop, you can't stop" joke is too obvious here?***
A picture of this is at Boing Boing's site. Click here.
***I guess the "Once you pop, you can't stop" joke is too obvious here?***
I Read Somewhere Their Periods Attract Bears. Bears Can Smell The Menstruation
I know I haven't written many updates on my NASCAR fetish but this time of the year has been dubbed "Silly Season". It's sort of like the off-season in every other sport but here it unfolds during the middle of the NASCAR season. I mean, it's literally half way through the season right now!
Anyway, drivers are leaving teams, teams are dumping drivers, and we're actually going to get some Ricky Bobby action this year as Juan Pablo Montoya is leaving F1 to come over and drive the 42 Texaco Car for Chip Ganassi Racing. Is this a big deal, probably? You see NASCAR is trying for a big diversity push and bringing in a Columbian to drive is huge on that front. Not only that, he's a proven champion as he's won it all in the American Open Wheel series CART back in 1999, is the 2000 champion of the Indy 500, but is also a multiple winner in F1. Plus, F1 is the biggest and most technologically advanced form of racing on the planet. A steering wheel for one of their cars cost roughly what an engine costs in NASCAR. While it takes millions to run a NASCAR team, it takes billions for the same effort in F1. Through all this, Montoya decided he wants to do some "real racing", as F1 racing is a line up and drive in a single file formation from the drop of the green flag style of racing. I'm pretty interested in this, so we'll have to see how it continues to develop.
On the *snap, snap* front, Ed Carpenter of the American open wheel series IRL (Indy Racing League) made a pretty funny comment in an interview on Saturday night about fellow racer Danica Patrick. You see Danica is the latest pretty face with no wins. She's won no championship in the top racing leagues, she's actually won NO races, and she's the hottest thing going because she's young, "has talent", is reasonably attractive, and a woman. All of this translates into boat loads of sponsor dollars. (The comment Mole, Focus!) So Eddie here says, of the recent talk of Danica moving to NASCAR next season since her contract in the IRL with David Letterman's team is up, is that she has what it takes to succeed in NASCAR. He states that she's plenty aggressive in open-wheel racing when it's "the right time of the month."
People, you can't make this shit up...........I think it's going to be a good day.
We get it Danica, you're 24 and hot, now go win a race or something
Anyway, drivers are leaving teams, teams are dumping drivers, and we're actually going to get some Ricky Bobby action this year as Juan Pablo Montoya is leaving F1 to come over and drive the 42 Texaco Car for Chip Ganassi Racing. Is this a big deal, probably? You see NASCAR is trying for a big diversity push and bringing in a Columbian to drive is huge on that front. Not only that, he's a proven champion as he's won it all in the American Open Wheel series CART back in 1999, is the 2000 champion of the Indy 500, but is also a multiple winner in F1. Plus, F1 is the biggest and most technologically advanced form of racing on the planet. A steering wheel for one of their cars cost roughly what an engine costs in NASCAR. While it takes millions to run a NASCAR team, it takes billions for the same effort in F1. Through all this, Montoya decided he wants to do some "real racing", as F1 racing is a line up and drive in a single file formation from the drop of the green flag style of racing. I'm pretty interested in this, so we'll have to see how it continues to develop.
On the *snap, snap* front, Ed Carpenter of the American open wheel series IRL (Indy Racing League) made a pretty funny comment in an interview on Saturday night about fellow racer Danica Patrick. You see Danica is the latest pretty face with no wins. She's won no championship in the top racing leagues, she's actually won NO races, and she's the hottest thing going because she's young, "has talent", is reasonably attractive, and a woman. All of this translates into boat loads of sponsor dollars. (The comment Mole, Focus!) So Eddie here says, of the recent talk of Danica moving to NASCAR next season since her contract in the IRL with David Letterman's team is up, is that she has what it takes to succeed in NASCAR. He states that she's plenty aggressive in open-wheel racing when it's "the right time of the month."
People, you can't make this shit up...........I think it's going to be a good day.
We get it Danica, you're 24 and hot, now go win a race or something
Wednesday, July 12
The Bachelor Party Experience
In keeping with the theme of The Austin Experience post, The Mole is tired. I've had a long weekend due to the efforts of some good friends that took it upon themselves to not only seek out and find women with the highest of moral fiber, but also brave the wilds of Oklahoma and the Davis Mountains (that's Oklahoma for hills). Usually we wouldn't trek up to red corn country, but if we're going to piss and shit all over God's green earth, better to do it in the U.S.'s own version of a third world country.
Since we didn't have a nurse in the group we couldn't actually main-line any of the alcohol, but rest assured that we drank enough beer (bought in Texas BTW) and whiskey this past weekend to last us at least until Vegas. Thankfully I remembered some the things overheard this weekend and here is a nice little list, enjoy.
*I wonder how hard it is to strip with a cast?
*Mole: Dude, that chick has a hemorrhoid
The Communist: I saw that, that's why I got you a lap dance from her.
*(At Subway some where in Oklahoma)
Okie: Whtwudyaliketahalf
Cage: Yams? What????? That's a topping?????
*The Communist: Hey are you going to take your bottoms off.
The Deuce: Na, she's classy.
*Did you see the pit hair on that chick?!
*It smells like Enchiladas and ass!
*I want a lap dance from the midget.
*The red man don't serve firewater in his casinos.
*(While playing penny slots)
What kind of a low rent place is this where I have to get Pepsi, instead of Coke?
*Shuffle up and deal Tonto.
*I can spot a bull dike from a mile away.
*Vet: Damn, there's a lot of Mexicans here.
Mole: Mi Familia.
*Cage: I can't eat cold hot dogs,
Vet: I've eaten meat that said not safe for human consumption....Thanks George W!
*Stripper: You sure you wanna get married?
Mole: Well, it's going to take someone hotter than you to talk me out of it.
Since we didn't have a nurse in the group we couldn't actually main-line any of the alcohol, but rest assured that we drank enough beer (bought in Texas BTW) and whiskey this past weekend to last us at least until Vegas. Thankfully I remembered some the things overheard this weekend and here is a nice little list, enjoy.
*I wonder how hard it is to strip with a cast?
*Mole: Dude, that chick has a hemorrhoid
The Communist: I saw that, that's why I got you a lap dance from her.
*(At Subway some where in Oklahoma)
Okie: Whtwudyaliketahalf
Cage: Yams? What????? That's a topping?????
*The Communist: Hey are you going to take your bottoms off.
The Deuce: Na, she's classy.
*Did you see the pit hair on that chick?!
*It smells like Enchiladas and ass!
*I want a lap dance from the midget.
*The red man don't serve firewater in his casinos.
*(While playing penny slots)
What kind of a low rent place is this where I have to get Pepsi, instead of Coke?
*Shuffle up and deal Tonto.
*I can spot a bull dike from a mile away.
*Vet: Damn, there's a lot of Mexicans here.
Mole: Mi Familia.
*Cage: I can't eat cold hot dogs,
Vet: I've eaten meat that said not safe for human consumption....Thanks George W!
*Stripper: You sure you wanna get married?
Mole: Well, it's going to take someone hotter than you to talk me out of it.
Tuesday, July 11
Grillz Mah Kneee-ah!!!!
Further proof that Social Darwinism may not be such a bad idea, the Arlington School District (Dallas Suburb) has expanded its dress code:
Oh, and you can purchase the shirt here.
Then we have the issue of gaugeing. I guess it's not bad enough that these kids want to emulate shitty rappers, and equally shitty emo bands with removable items such as clothing and grillz, but they also want to create physical deformities on their bodies. So, I guess the message here is, "Hey! EMO FAG!!!! If you'd stop gelling the hair in your eyes long enough you'll see that Accenture isn't hiring people that look like this."
I really don't think it's the fact I'm getting older that this is bugging me, I think it's fact that I don't want to support you through welfare when you're 38 and playing the local open mic trying to "make it".
Students may no longer wear mouth jewelry known as "grillz" (shiny teeth caps) or the earlobe-stretching practice knows as "gauging."This seems not only be an issue there, but other nearby districts Grand Prairie and Desoto have also ban grillz and will address gauging. The link above goes on to state that the students say body modification is simply self-expression. Mr. Devonte Wright, 16 says, "Really, a grill is just like an earring. It's fashion." The reality though is Mr. Wright probably doesn't have the mental capacity to write his name. However, I'm sure he can tell you just how much a set of "twa-ne fo's" for his 85 primered Caprice will cost. Honestly, this whole issue makes the image of this T-Shirt come to mind:
Oh, and you can purchase the shirt here.
Then we have the issue of gaugeing. I guess it's not bad enough that these kids want to emulate shitty rappers, and equally shitty emo bands with removable items such as clothing and grillz, but they also want to create physical deformities on their bodies. So, I guess the message here is, "Hey! EMO FAG!!!! If you'd stop gelling the hair in your eyes long enough you'll see that Accenture isn't hiring people that look like this."
I really don't think it's the fact I'm getting older that this is bugging me, I think it's fact that I don't want to support you through welfare when you're 38 and playing the local open mic trying to "make it".
Friday, July 7
Vince Young, Movie Star!!!!!!!!
This is without a doubt the most boring part of year for sports. We have Men in Tights, Communist Football, Stand Around, and NASCAR to choose from. The Mole, I'm good with NASCAR, but the rest just don't charge me up all that much. George Hincapie is 5th over in the Tour de Tights, but no one really notices since Lance Armstrong isn't racing. Stand Around is just that, and even its stars don't want to play in the All-Star game. I've seen more flopping watching the World Cup than the entire career of Vlade Divac; and he MADE an NBA career around it.
I miss football. However, the season is right around the corner what with training camp coming up and all. Since the new ESPY commercials are touting Vince Young and his performance in the BCS National Championship game, I'm sure it's a matter of time before we're endlessly pounded with, "When will Vince take over the Titian's offence". With Vince Young poised to be a media darling because of all this, I've wondered if he'd take the route of Brian Bosworth (Stone Cold) and try to make it in the movies. Two roles that would have fit him perfect have already come and gone but, Vince, Hollywood is into remakes.........
Taking into consideration his "remarkable" Wonderlic test score Vince could have made a great Radio
Also, with his "unique" throwing motion, he would have been a perfect choice for Uncle Rico
I miss football. However, the season is right around the corner what with training camp coming up and all. Since the new ESPY commercials are touting Vince Young and his performance in the BCS National Championship game, I'm sure it's a matter of time before we're endlessly pounded with, "When will Vince take over the Titian's offence". With Vince Young poised to be a media darling because of all this, I've wondered if he'd take the route of Brian Bosworth (Stone Cold) and try to make it in the movies. Two roles that would have fit him perfect have already come and gone but, Vince, Hollywood is into remakes.........
Taking into consideration his "remarkable" Wonderlic test score Vince could have made a great Radio
Also, with his "unique" throwing motion, he would have been a perfect choice for Uncle Rico
Thursday, June 29
Wednesday, June 28
Jesus Died, So That A Little Girl Who's Parents Died Could Find Their True Love After Forwarding A Picture Of The Texas Flag Flying Higher Than The US
Update: The link to the Obama stuff is here, also I want to make it known, that I support and will vote for John McCain, I'm recycling this post because I'm fucking sick and tired of the retards spreading ignorant "Red Scare" type propaganda. If you have to look up Red Scare, and or you continue to forward this garbage and believe it without research; then you should probably stay away from the poles in November anyway. Having people like you vote on the future of our country is why we're so beloved around the world in the first place.
Ok, just a little rant here:
One last thing, I love Texas, I honestly think we should leave the union. However, we are a member state in the United States of America and our state flag can't be flown higher than the national one. Here is a link to the flag code. Here is a link to flag code of Texas, and here is a link at snoops that debunks it as well.
Thanks for you time, and don't be a fucking retard.
Sincerely,
Mole
Ok, just a little rant here:
- Forwards are fucking stupid: I really don't give a shit about some little kid with cancer of the rectal wart who needs an $11.73 donation so that they can get the curing miracle milk suckled directly from a goat that lives in a Tibetan monastery which is infected with syphilis.
- I don't give a flying fuck what you ate for lunch, if you're in love, what's in your CD player, and where your first kiss was. I especially want to shit on your chest if you tell me in a forward or a myspace bulletin every other day.
- Blog is defined here, anything that resembles '1' and '2' don't belong in one.
One last thing, I love Texas, I honestly think we should leave the union. However, we are a member state in the United States of America and our state flag can't be flown higher than the national one. Here is a link to the flag code. Here is a link to flag code of Texas, and here is a link at snoops that debunks it as well.
Thanks for you time, and don't be a fucking retard.
Sincerely,
Mole
Soon To Be Featured On HBO's Real Sex
Remember the golden days of your youth? Back when you were a child and would ride on Daddy's back like he was a horse or if in a daring mood, a rodeo bull. Now you can do those things and more in The Daddle. For those of us that don't have the natural ability to shed our dignity (like wearing corn-rows, being a back up dancer, and marrying Britney Spears), this will allow everyone to lose what ever cool points you have left.
The thing is, I can't help but think that this will end up in a Real Sex fetish clip about sex toys.
Bring out the Gimp....
The thing is, I can't help but think that this will end up in a Real Sex fetish clip about sex toys.
Bring out the Gimp....
Wednesday, June 21
Nerdgasm
Yes, even the Mole will have one from time to time. Even though I'm a NASCAR fan and drop F-Bombs like Mark Cuban, my Id will drive me to indulge in such things as Star Wars. Most recently I commented in a friend’s blog about the superiority of Transformers to GoBots.....I need to get laid. Anyway, since both of these things are nerdy and were an extensive portion of my youthful playtime, seeing two things about them in one day, one of which combining the two, caused me to have a Nerdgasm.
First, we have the Transformers Deluxe Series. This is a set of special edition Transformers in which the vehicle basis for the toys are those from the Star Wars universe. The best part is that not only do these vehicles transform, but they transform into the character that "drove" them in the various films. How cool is that?
Second we have the Yoda Back Pack. Putting it on sort of replicates the scenes from Empire in which Yoda puts Luke Skywalker though his Jedi paces.
After seeing this, I had to go clean up after a Nerdgasm.
First, we have the Transformers Deluxe Series. This is a set of special edition Transformers in which the vehicle basis for the toys are those from the Star Wars universe. The best part is that not only do these vehicles transform, but they transform into the character that "drove" them in the various films. How cool is that?
Second we have the Yoda Back Pack. Putting it on sort of replicates the scenes from Empire in which Yoda puts Luke Skywalker though his Jedi paces.
After seeing this, I had to go clean up after a Nerdgasm.
Friday, June 16
Good Readin'
I'm not sure how literate many of you out there reading me actually are, but if you like to read, let The Mole suggest this book Save Toby. The book even has a website savetoby.com in which they give a short description of the book and its purpose:
They're only up to 3,467 books sold so far.
Toby is the cutest little bunny on the planet. Unfortunately, he will DIE on November 6th, 2006 if you don’t help. I rescued him several months ago. I found him under my porch, soaking wet, injured from what appeared to be an attack from an alley cat. I took him in, thinking he had no chance to live from his injuries, but miraculously, he recovered. I have since spent several months nursing him to health. Toby is a fighter, that’s for sure.This site has great section that include cute pictures of Toby as well as many tasty recipes on how to filet and cook a bunny.
Unfortunately, on November 6th, 2006, Toby will die. I am going to eat him. I am going to take Toby to a butcher to have him slaughter this cute bunny. I will then prepare Toby for a midsummer feast. I have several recipes under consideration, which can be seen, with some pretty graphic images, under the recipe section.
I don’t want to eat Toby, he is my friend, and he has always been the most loving, adorable pet. However, God as my witness, I will devour this little guy unless I sell 100,000 copies of my book, Save Toby: Only you have the power to save Toby.
They're only up to 3,467 books sold so far.
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