Mole Jeep 1 : Honda Tard 0

As most of you can tell, I have a very short temper with certain kinds of people. When I drive, this can escalate; I've been known to throw milkshakes. Anyway, I drive with authority. I'm always looking ahead to plot a course as well as looking behind to make sure I'm not holding anyone up. It's the people who are like the two year olds learning to walk that irritate me. You know the type; they're the ones that like a two year old are just happy to be moving. They're not paying attention; they just wander aimlessly, getting in the way of others. The worst of these are the import tuners. They are the ones that buy the 10 year old Hondas, manually cut their stock springs to lower it, and install fiberglass kits and wheels that are worth twice as much as the car itself. If you add in glowing dashboards you too can prove that you are, in fact, Fast and Furious.

Please.

The worst aspect of these people and their pimped out rides, is the fart tube. It's that muffler, with the 3-inch tip that makes any Honda, or Toyota, sound like my ass when I eat ice cream. These people baffle me. I just want to strangle them when they pull up next to me and "rev" that rubber band engine. Look clown, just because you put a wing, and painted wheels on your rice burning piece of shit doesn’t make it faster than when you pulled that thing off the lot. The fact is, you bought a car that is marketed to ignorant kids that have no idea what real power under the hood is.

This leads me to my latest encounter with a Honda Civic, which was "tuned". I was out paying my electric bill, and was pulling out from the utilities company. I crossed over a road and waited for a car that was coming to clear so that I could safely pull out. Unfortunately for me, some poor man's answer to a Britney Spears' back up dancer honks at me. Like I said earlier, I'm a pretty defensive driver, but that's when I'm in the city, not the little sleepy country town that I live. Who the hell is in a hurry here?

For some reason though, I think, "Shit, I need to go", and I start to pull forward. Then as I'm rolling into first gear, the Mole pops in:

Mole: What the fuck are you doing?
Adam: Who me?
Mole: Yes roach clip. Why are you pulling forward for this clown?
Adam: Well, he honked.
Mole: Look man, we've already had this discussion once.
Adam: Be Steve?
Mole: If I weren't you, I'd kick you in the nuts, you're so stupid.

So, fuck it, I stop. However, just like a two year old learning to walk, this guy never notices that something is in front of him and he runs into me. Am I mad, am I hurt, hell no. I'm a in a Jeep, and these things are built to be turned over, plus my bumper is made of steel. That's right real "merican" steel. So with a grin half cocked, I throw the parking break on, and get out.

Honda Douche: Dude, you don't have any damage.
Mole: I know, I'm just admiring my new paint.
HD: What?
Mole: Nothing, are you OK?
HD: Yeah dude we're fine. (HiZ GuRl WuZ WiT DaT DuDe)
Mole: Does your muffler still work?
HD: My what?
Mole: Your Fart Tube!
HD: *sighs* Yes?
Mole: Too bad. Look man, pay attention next time, or buy a car that isn't made by Fisher Price.

So, shaking my head and laughing, I get in, and pull away.


Maybe one day he'll have a big boy car too!