Norv Turner, Chargers Fans, And The University Of Washington Can Eat A Dick

Ok, so we all know that the Mole is an official, and all that, it's not news to anyone who reads his blog. So, he just wants to qualify his remarks with that statement before we move forward.

Ed Hochuli, if you're a football fan, you know who this guy is even if you don't know the name. He's the only white hat on the Pro Level who isn't built like Sebastian Janikowski. Anyway, if you had polled the 32 NFL teams on Saturday and asked them who the best official in their league is, this name would have fallen from their self-righteous mouths time after time. The man's pedigree is impeccable; five conference championships, 2 Super Bowls, as well as numerous regular season games, playoff contests, not to mention his early stints at the high school and college level (Big Sky, Pac-10). The man has the experience, and the ability. This past weekend during a game between the Broncos, and the Chargers, Hochuli made was is the widely considered to be a cardinal sin in football circles, he had an inadvertent whistle. Denver's Quarterback fumbled the ball with his arm rising to go into a throwing motion. Hochuli ruled it an incomplete pass and whistled the play dead just as a San Diego player recovered the loose ball. The end result, after review, was that the ball was indeed a fumble, but since the ball was blown dead prior to the defense's recovery; the ball, by rule, is awarded to the last team in possession; in this case, the offense. Denver went on to score a touch down, and subsequent 2 point conversion for the win.

Personally, I know how this feels, I've done it. Every man who as put on the stripes has done it, and if you haven't you're either too big of a pussy to admit it, or you recently started. Rest assured, your time is coming. Unfortunately for Ed Hochuli, his game was on the national stage, in the biggest league in the land. But, shit happens. It's not the first time I've seen this during an NFL game, or at any other level for that matter, and so what that it did? Charger's fans are in an uproar over what exactly, that they lost the game? The final score was 39-38, that's right 77 points. If a team puts 39 points on the board, you don't deserve to win, number one. And lets not forget the fact that the team doing all the bitching is a franchise, that pins it's hopes around one man, LaDainian Tomlinson. This is a franchise that's the epitome of NFL wanna-be with one Super Bowl appearance in which they were completely dominated by Steve Young and the San Francisco 49ers. They traded away last years Super Bowl winning quarterback and MVP Eli Manning and hired Norv Turner for a head coach (69-87 life time record through 2007). Do they honestly expect Tomlinson to lead them to the promised land after this recent history of team mismanagement? The boy is a Texan and all, but even as good player as him can't snuff out the loosing funk that surrounds this team, their front office, and coaching staff. As far as I'm concerned, the missed call is just par for the course with this bunch of perennial losers. Plus, lets not forget that their "vaunted" defense gave up 486 total yards of offense and 5 touch downs, the last of which came on 4th down and didn't put the Broncos ahead. The succeeding play, a successful two point conversion attempt, was the go ahead score. The Chargers had 60 minutes to stop the Broncos, and didn't. Then, to top it all off, Darren Sproles wastes 4 seconds on a return to the 18 he could have downed in the end-zone for no time, and a free spot on the 20. The Chargers also failed to move within field goal range with 24 seconds and a time out left. The Mole has no sympathy. Those douche bags from Whale's Vagina, can eat a fat dick. They had time, and opportunity, they squandered it, and no one call by an official made the difference. It's called defense, play it.

As for Washington, and the 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct foul that pushed their extra point attempt back, which was subsequently blocked; big deal. Again, we're talking about a team who hasn't won an outright conference title since 1991. This is also a team that has gone 44-52 this decade, which saw the firing of a coach wrapped up in gambling accusations, not to mention the hiring of Tyrone Willingham who's record of under-achieving, even at the historical power house program of Notre Dame has been well documented. So lets go through the series of events in this game. Washington, down by seven and with less than 10 seconds, scores with two seconds left on the clock. The Quarterback launches the ball in the air in celebration, and the refs assess a 15 yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct. The extra point is blocked, and BYU runs the clock out for a 28-27 win. The old saying, "act like you've been there before", applies when you view this play, that's what winners do. Also, for those who say the 15 yards affected the point after try THAT much are out of your goat smellin' minds. After the penalty we're talking a 32 or 33 yard try here, right? To quote Dan Hawkins, the coach of Colorado, "This is Division I football", "It ain't intramurals!". This is a D-1 kicker who can't make an 30 yard kick? I think their recruiting needs to be addressed because again, that one call didn't make the difference, playing a group of winners (BYU is currently a top 25 team) did. Winner's win, and losers loose. Welcome to world of sports Huskies fans, and eat a dick.

What bothers The Mole the most are two things, one for each game. The pro game issue is simple, Nor Turner is a loser of a head coach. He's in over his head, and has been at every stop he hasn't been a coordinator, the numbers don't lie. For him to say that the call was unacceptable and that, he expects more at the top level of play, makes me wonder why he only called out the official. Why not call out defensive players and the coaches? Hell, why not call out himself as well for not preparing his team to play an adequate game of defense? Why should Ed Hochuli have to be perfect when it's obvious that Norv Turner, his coaching staff, and his team wasn't. Losers lay blame, winners just sack up and stop someone, so Norv Turner, eat a dick. For those who think the ref was out of line, and should have used better judgment on the call at the end of the Washington/BYU game, it's simple here too. The book specifically calls out what the kid did. In Rule 9 it plainly states that players can be flagged for unsportsmanlike acts including "throwing the ball high into the air". What the talking heads at ESPN and all over the sports world have failed to mention is who writes the rules. The refs don't, hell there are rules The Mole hates to enforce, but they don't pay us to like them, they pay us to enforce them. The NCAA rules committee, is made up of representatives from the various conferences at all levels of play, and they are the ones that write the book. The coaches write the rules book, the coaches write the rules book, the coaches write the rules book; period. They are the ones who put that stupid fucking rule in there, and we are instructed to make that call, it's what they want. No one blames Colonel Paul Tibbets for dropping Little Boy over Hiroshima during Special Mission 13, it's always America that dropped the bomb. He did what he was told to do, just like that crew did during the Washington BYU game. Blame the rules committee for a stupid rule, but don't blame the refs for doing what they're told to do.

What those of us in the officiating world have come to realize is that we're the only people on the field expected to be perfect. Pampered prima donnas are idolized, yet they continue to drop passes, fumble balls, miss tackles, and get paid millions for it. As officials, we're expected to be perfect, and take an onslaught of abuse if "the royal we" screw you're team. So, tell you what, put on a uniform and try doing what "we" do, at the level "we" do it. Until then, you can all eat a dick.

Respectfully,

Mole

Yew Mite Be Uh Redneck

So, the Mole was flipping through his desk calendar today that he got for Christmas from his grandmother. 365 Days of Redneck jokes probably not written by Jeff Foxworthy. Anyway, seeing that we've been through nearly eight months, coupled with the fact that the Mole lives in Taxes, Taxass, or Tixas, or whatever the preferred pronunciation is; there have been a few that have paralleled the Mole's own life. However, today was a special day. Upon ripping off the page from August 20th, the joke for the 21st read, "Your children's night light is a neon beer sign".

Back in the ole' college days (Jesus, has it nearly been 10 years since I graduated?), the Mole was an active member in a fraternity. He made some really good friends, but also ran across many a broke ass motherfucker that sucked money out of the government for fucking cheese fries and stole my beer.......sorry. Anyway, the Mole was not one. Even though the Mole's parents footed the bill for school and books (thanks ya'll), the Mole was left on his own for car payments, insurance, food, clothing, and entertainment. The Mole worked two jobs all through his college career though and he's probably a better man for it. However, with that extra money came extra disdain for those broke bastards that were constantly bumming beer, and seemed to never think about filling out a job application. How can you fight this injustice Mole? Well sir, he's glad you asked........Schlitz......the beer,not the malt liquor, though the Mole does love him some Edward 40 Hands.

Schlitz beer, "The Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous", was the cheap beer of choice in those days. Schlitz was a huge working class beer back in the 60s, so much so that the Mole's dad speaks of drinking it High school chilling his cooler with rock salt to make it COLD. Anyway, the beer kind of went away in the 70s but has been making a small comeback lately as a small run specialty brew through the Pabst brewing company. In college, the Mole could pick up a case for $8 bucks, and not only that, when some sorry bag of dicks would try to steal your beer at a party, NO ONE wanted to drink Schlitz, until like 4am. By that time, I was so drunk, I couldn't care less.

So, the Mole has an affinity for all things Schlitz, and even bought a neon sign off a guy for $25 bucks about 6 years ago. It simply has the Schlitz logo, in red neon and lights up perfectly. It hung in the spare bedroom of the Mole Hole for years until recently when P HAD to have that room as the nursery for a Mole spawn. The joke reminded the Mole of the Deuce and his daughters. When they would come in town and crash back in his Dallas days, and even now that the boy is an inner looper, he still finds time to beat the highway, come to the country, and visit with the girls. The most recent trip with his daughters was in the spring and when it was time for bed they curled up and asked for their night light to be turned on. That's right, since they were both little, they crashed in the Mole's bedroom and slept to the soft lighting of the Schlitz brewing company.

Stay Classy

Milk Was A Bad Choice

So, for those of you that don't know, the Mole is going to be a dad. Yes yes, after nearly 2 years, P agreed to consummate our marriage *pumps fist "YES!"*, and the result is going to lead to a Mole spawn on December 2nd.

The Mole started trading e-mails with a buddy who we'll refer to as Mississippi today. Mississippi and the Mole have a lot in common; We both get stupid drunk, we're both extremely hairy/manly, we're both gluttons for punishment as we both married red heads, and we're both expecting what we think to be our first kids around beginning of December. Anyway, the following is the e-mail traffic from today:

Mole: The Deuce told us about you guys, and I haven't said congrats to you on your little one coming. When are you guys due, and have you found out what it is yet?
Miss: Congrats to you as well. We found out last Tuesday that it is a girl. It is due Dec. 11th. We are up in the air about dna tests…… When is yours due, and have you found out what it is?
Mole: That's awesome man. We're due on December 2nd, and we find out on the 10th what it is. P wants a girl, I want a boy, she wants it to have red hair, and I could care less as long as it doesn't come out blonde, then I'll be pissed. Things are going to change soon man.
Miss: They are already starting to change…..fixin to get real crazy though…..no sleep and no going out……leaving for the weekends are a thing of the past…….I do want to see if the milk tastes like sweet corn juice though…………..
Mole: Wow, I'm speechless, and thirsty.

Hey, Woman, You Shut Your Mouth, And Make Babies!

Sometimes the Mole loves his job. Today I go to talk to one of our contracts people and he decided to unload on me about a problem negotiator that our customer employs. I ask if it's the ice queen that I've had a few dealings with, and sure enough, it was. Anyway we spew a bit about how difficult this chick can be and then he brings the high heat.

You know Mole, I don't mind women in the workplace per se, but I hate it when they have to over compensate for being a woman working in a man's world. I mean, just deal with me like I'm just another person, and don’t be a bitch because you have an inferiority complex about being a woman.

RIGHT EFFIN' ON DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell that woman to get in the kitchen and make me some pie! I love this kind of sexism, the overt stuff you get from our "older" generation. The stuff that the "royal we" can't and don't speak about today since we've been pussified with all this politically correct bull-butter. So I figured I'd just run down a list of things that' irritates the Mole to no end about the fairer sex:

1. Driving - I mean really, when your glove box is filled with make-up, your cell phone is surgically attached to your ear, and teams in your professional basketball league could be beaten by the average High school boys team; it furthers the argument that women don't have the mental capacity, hand eye coordination, or reflexes to be issued licenses.


2. Personal Appearance - Face it, when products are on the market like fake color for your hair, fake color for your face, jelly filled sacks for your boobs, fake nails for your hands, and wonder bras to give your boobs a better look; should we, as men, have to take you that seriously?


3. Periods - We don't care about your cramps, just sort it out and leave us alone, the game is on! This is proof positive, if you believe in God, that he prefers men. I mean he created you, right? And in doing so, saw fit to make you bleed a few days out of each month.....HAHAHAHA. And like Mr. Garrison said in South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, "I'm Sorry Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
   

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go talk to my dog, drink some scotch, and wait for the Mrs. to get home. I'll give that little cookie an hour before we do the no pants dance, time to musk up.

YEAH!

No Clever Title, Just Read And Enjoy

I know we're only around half way through the year, but if any article eclipses this one on the unintentional funny scale then I'll kick myself in the nuts.

Maybe if the owner or breeder had taken a class on how to speak "Dog" this could have all been avoided.

Don't Let Your Babies Grow To Be Cowboys

I'm not sure Willie had the human train-wreck and some Canadian clown in mind when he wrote this song. But needless to say, if I had a son, I'd have a hard time steering him in a direction to cheer for the Cowboys with their two newest members. The two castoffs they picked up this off-season would be better off with Rudolph, Hermey, and Yukon Cornelius on the island of misfit toys; but Jerry Jones has managed to place them in Dallas.

Just as I thought, the least important of the two, and actually the least important person on any football team, the kicker, made what might be the worst analogy of all time. In this article on ESPN.com Mike Vanderjagt stated:

"Michael Jordan missed game-winning jump shots, Tiger Woods missed putts. Does that mean they're not as good as you think they are?"

"I'm the best kicker in the history of the game regardless of whether I missed my last kick or not, and that's the way I look at it."

Lets break this down:

1. Michael Jordan missed game-winning jump shots - He also made 25 game winners with the Bulls alone, 28 total, not the mention the one in the '98 finals to win his sixth and final championship. Hell, Gatorade as built part of their new ad-campaign around one of his game winners and his ability in the clutch. Mike, on the other hand, can't even make a game winner to get his team to the championship game.
   


2. Tiger Woods missed puts - Here's a couple of stats to run by you, 9-1 PGA Tour playoff record, most tour wins by a golfer before the age of 30, not to mention his victories in 10 majors. How many puts did he have to make to get those stats?
   


3. I'm the best kicker in the history of the game - You know, football really isn't a numbers game, that's baseball, but I'll play. I'm not a sports almanac by any means but the one number that counts are those in the win/loss columns. Mike, you don't have enough in the "W" column to call you self the best ever, hell, you're not even the best current kicker in the game, that's Adam Vinatieri, period, end of discussion.
   

The fact is Mike; you have a record of kicking consistency that is very high. There's no doubt in my mind that if the Cowboys had you last season then they win a few more games, and are probably in a dog fight for the conference championship. However, until you make a great kick, a kick that elevates your team into the next round, then you will always the "Idiot Kicker". When the pressures on, you undoubtedly have the biggest mangina ever.

Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while.

You Ate The Whole Wheel Of Cheese?

Since the old Mole is an avid watcher of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy I've always wondered in amazement at the relationship between Papa Burgundy and his dog Baxter. I think their relationship is the most pure example of the where the saying "Man's best friend" was derived from, I'm also sure that Champ Kind would object if some PC fag wanted to coin the term "Woman's best friend"; FOCUS MOLE!

Like I was saying, Ron's ability to not only understand what his dog was saying, but also understand he was speaking spanish, and he couldn't understand it (still with me), has always fascinated me. Now though, it seems this knowledge won't be limited to men who own many leather-bound books and whose apartment's smell of mahogany. The UK's Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) will begin teaching classes on how to "speak" to your dog. This sounds like the worst idea since Greedo shooting first.

What's really funny is how they've broken out the different sounds a dog makes into grunts, whines, yelps, screams, howls, growls, coughs, barks, tooth snapping, and panting. This class is supposed to clear up, for the owners, what kind of attention the dog needs when they are making these types of noises. Since most of you dog lovers out there are probably using your money to pay for your G500's, and can't make the trip across the pond to take the course I'll give my best crack at what these sounds mean:

• Grunt: "Hey", as in "get me something you hairless ape."


• Whines: "Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy", as in "I really need to pee you hairless ape."


• Yelps: "HEY!!!!", as in "quit pulling my tail you drunk hairless ape."


• Screams: "HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!", as in "I'm under your foot you drunk hairless ape."


• Howls: "HHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!", as in "the drunk hairless ape, put me outside and it's cold."


• Growls: "Hey bitch", as in "I'm sick of Ole' Roy, buy me the good food you hairless ape."


• Coughs: "CEY!!!!", as in "I hope the hairless ape can tell I need to go to the vet."


• Barks: "HEY!", as in "look over here you hairless ape."


• Tooth Snapping: *Click*, as in "*click*, damn I almost bit the drunk hairless ape that time."


• Panting: "huh huh hey", as in "I'm effin tired you hairless ape, I hate walks."

You see, even if you're not a man, you know, a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. If you're just a woman with a small brain, a brain a third the size of us (It's science); you too will be able to decipher what a dog would say if it were chasing a squirrel on Tuesday and fell off a cliff in the Pacific Palisades.

"You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair."

It Means Whale's Vagina

The Mole and most of his peers damn near worship Ron Burgundy. We also believe in the words of Champ Kind that "It is anchorman, not anchorlady! And that is a scientific fact." We believe these truths to be self evident, so I had to post this pic, stay classy indeed. I was thinking that another classic Ron Burgundy sign-off might be better suited for Iraq, since we all know he'll read anything that's on the teleprompter, but I'll let that rest.

To the troops, get home safe ya'll.