Norv Turner, Chargers Fans, And The University Of Washington Can Eat A Dick

Ok, so we all know that the Mole is an official, and all that, it's not news to anyone who reads his blog. So, he just wants to qualify his remarks with that statement before we move forward.

Ed Hochuli, if you're a football fan, you know who this guy is even if you don't know the name. He's the only white hat on the Pro Level who isn't built like Sebastian Janikowski. Anyway, if you had polled the 32 NFL teams on Saturday and asked them who the best official in their league is, this name would have fallen from their self-righteous mouths time after time. The man's pedigree is impeccable; five conference championships, 2 Super Bowls, as well as numerous regular season games, playoff contests, not to mention his early stints at the high school and college level (Big Sky, Pac-10). The man has the experience, and the ability. This past weekend during a game between the Broncos, and the Chargers, Hochuli made was is the widely considered to be a cardinal sin in football circles, he had an inadvertent whistle. Denver's Quarterback fumbled the ball with his arm rising to go into a throwing motion. Hochuli ruled it an incomplete pass and whistled the play dead just as a San Diego player recovered the loose ball. The end result, after review, was that the ball was indeed a fumble, but since the ball was blown dead prior to the defense's recovery; the ball, by rule, is awarded to the last team in possession; in this case, the offense. Denver went on to score a touch down, and subsequent 2 point conversion for the win.

Personally, I know how this feels, I've done it. Every man who as put on the stripes has done it, and if you haven't you're either too big of a pussy to admit it, or you recently started. Rest assured, your time is coming. Unfortunately for Ed Hochuli, his game was on the national stage, in the biggest league in the land. But, shit happens. It's not the first time I've seen this during an NFL game, or at any other level for that matter, and so what that it did? Charger's fans are in an uproar over what exactly, that they lost the game? The final score was 39-38, that's right 77 points. If a team puts 39 points on the board, you don't deserve to win, number one. And lets not forget the fact that the team doing all the bitching is a franchise, that pins it's hopes around one man, LaDainian Tomlinson. This is a franchise that's the epitome of NFL wanna-be with one Super Bowl appearance in which they were completely dominated by Steve Young and the San Francisco 49ers. They traded away last years Super Bowl winning quarterback and MVP Eli Manning and hired Norv Turner for a head coach (69-87 life time record through 2007). Do they honestly expect Tomlinson to lead them to the promised land after this recent history of team mismanagement? The boy is a Texan and all, but even as good player as him can't snuff out the loosing funk that surrounds this team, their front office, and coaching staff. As far as I'm concerned, the missed call is just par for the course with this bunch of perennial losers. Plus, lets not forget that their "vaunted" defense gave up 486 total yards of offense and 5 touch downs, the last of which came on 4th down and didn't put the Broncos ahead. The succeeding play, a successful two point conversion attempt, was the go ahead score. The Chargers had 60 minutes to stop the Broncos, and didn't. Then, to top it all off, Darren Sproles wastes 4 seconds on a return to the 18 he could have downed in the end-zone for no time, and a free spot on the 20. The Chargers also failed to move within field goal range with 24 seconds and a time out left. The Mole has no sympathy. Those douche bags from Whale's Vagina, can eat a fat dick. They had time, and opportunity, they squandered it, and no one call by an official made the difference. It's called defense, play it.

As for Washington, and the 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct foul that pushed their extra point attempt back, which was subsequently blocked; big deal. Again, we're talking about a team who hasn't won an outright conference title since 1991. This is also a team that has gone 44-52 this decade, which saw the firing of a coach wrapped up in gambling accusations, not to mention the hiring of Tyrone Willingham who's record of under-achieving, even at the historical power house program of Notre Dame has been well documented. So lets go through the series of events in this game. Washington, down by seven and with less than 10 seconds, scores with two seconds left on the clock. The Quarterback launches the ball in the air in celebration, and the refs assess a 15 yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct. The extra point is blocked, and BYU runs the clock out for a 28-27 win. The old saying, "act like you've been there before", applies when you view this play, that's what winners do. Also, for those who say the 15 yards affected the point after try THAT much are out of your goat smellin' minds. After the penalty we're talking a 32 or 33 yard try here, right? To quote Dan Hawkins, the coach of Colorado, "This is Division I football", "It ain't intramurals!". This is a D-1 kicker who can't make an 30 yard kick? I think their recruiting needs to be addressed because again, that one call didn't make the difference, playing a group of winners (BYU is currently a top 25 team) did. Winner's win, and losers loose. Welcome to world of sports Huskies fans, and eat a dick.

What bothers The Mole the most are two things, one for each game. The pro game issue is simple, Nor Turner is a loser of a head coach. He's in over his head, and has been at every stop he hasn't been a coordinator, the numbers don't lie. For him to say that the call was unacceptable and that, he expects more at the top level of play, makes me wonder why he only called out the official. Why not call out defensive players and the coaches? Hell, why not call out himself as well for not preparing his team to play an adequate game of defense? Why should Ed Hochuli have to be perfect when it's obvious that Norv Turner, his coaching staff, and his team wasn't. Losers lay blame, winners just sack up and stop someone, so Norv Turner, eat a dick. For those who think the ref was out of line, and should have used better judgment on the call at the end of the Washington/BYU game, it's simple here too. The book specifically calls out what the kid did. In Rule 9 it plainly states that players can be flagged for unsportsmanlike acts including "throwing the ball high into the air". What the talking heads at ESPN and all over the sports world have failed to mention is who writes the rules. The refs don't, hell there are rules The Mole hates to enforce, but they don't pay us to like them, they pay us to enforce them. The NCAA rules committee, is made up of representatives from the various conferences at all levels of play, and they are the ones that write the book. The coaches write the rules book, the coaches write the rules book, the coaches write the rules book; period. They are the ones who put that stupid fucking rule in there, and we are instructed to make that call, it's what they want. No one blames Colonel Paul Tibbets for dropping Little Boy over Hiroshima during Special Mission 13, it's always America that dropped the bomb. He did what he was told to do, just like that crew did during the Washington BYU game. Blame the rules committee for a stupid rule, but don't blame the refs for doing what they're told to do.

What those of us in the officiating world have come to realize is that we're the only people on the field expected to be perfect. Pampered prima donnas are idolized, yet they continue to drop passes, fumble balls, miss tackles, and get paid millions for it. As officials, we're expected to be perfect, and take an onslaught of abuse if "the royal we" screw you're team. So, tell you what, put on a uniform and try doing what "we" do, at the level "we" do it. Until then, you can all eat a dick.

Respectfully,

Mole

Slow-pitch Softball: Where Adults, Chimps, And Retards Are Equal

So, last night The Mole had to go do a few slow-pitch softball games. The Mole figured, sure why not. He'll just take the extra money to Vegas next week to blow on some table, plus my assigner was in a pinch and The Mole always helps out his friends. Anyway, through the course of the night, The Mole finds out one thing; there is a reason why he hasn't called a slow-pitch game in 3 years. Calling these games were like watching paint dry while getting your scrot hair pulled out by a 95 year old man with Palsy.

Batting:

SLOW-PITCH SOFTBALL IS TEE-BALL FOR ADULTS!!!!!!!!!! Hitting in slow-pitch softball is probably as easy as banging Lindsay Lohan if you have an eight ball. You see, the ball comes in with a rainbowed arch......slowly. Yet 5 people last night struck out looking, and 6 others struck out swinging, SWINGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Mole had never seen anything like it, not to mentioned the blatant stupidity and ignorance for the rules shown by these mongoloid, downs afflicted morons playing. This message is for the blonde with the nice athletic body but the Mr. Ed/Kentucky Derby face. Tie does not go to the runner, ever. Check out this entry from 2006 and keep that Julia Roberts horse mouth shut, we'll all be better off.

Catching/Throwing:

In the Special Olympics slow-pitch is an event the kids can compete in. This is a sport so simple and so easy to play that it is deemed acceptable for those with mental and physical impairments to compete. I'm sure which ever team won it all last year would have beaten the piss out of one adult team from last night. 25 run inning. I'll let that sink in a bit.......................................................................25 run inning. Because these people can't seem to do fundamental things that should have been learned before the age of 10 they allowed a team to post 25 runs in one half inning. The physical ineptitude of these "players" reached such an all time low that The Mole is certain a Special Olympian with a baby arm and and deer paw for a hand could out throw and catch each of them.

Comportment:

There was none, it got the point that the only way The Mole was going to deal with it was make excitement for himself. So, he started blowing calls on purpose. It didn't matter, these people sucked. Why should they expect anything more form the officials on the field? Funny thing was though, no one argued. Every play The Mole purposefully called got wrong just to stir the hornets nest brought nothing but lady bugs and rainbows. It was almost surreal.

Epilogue:

I hate slow-pitch softball. At least with the little girls, they're supposed to be bad. Here it's just sad to watch grown adults waste good money embarrassing themselves. I don't want to call these games, and they should save their money paying us to call the games. It's a waste of my time and their money.

In Other News, Mole Is A Jackass

So, on my way home last night, I get a call from an umpire buddy of mine that I also call softball with, WWB. Anyway, WWB asks if I've seen the e-mail from my pee-wee football scheduler. I hadn't yet since I had been out calling a couple of 8th grade games but when I got home this is I was greeted with:

Dan,
Your ref’s this year are doing a fantastic job…these are simple nit-picky things that will help us make the players better players and have nothing to do with the ref’s missing calls or not making the right calls. All of the games, as far as I’ve been made aware, are called evenly and have not swayed any of the games one way or the other. I’m cc’ing all of the commissioners for each of the towns on this email. I ask that they forward this email to all of their coaches. I’ll be doing the same. The purpose is to ensure everyone is aware of the tightening on the calls so that no coach will be caught off-guard by the new policy. Get with your ref’s in our area…here’s a few things that are being passed along to me from our guys that you might mention to them:

1. All the commissioners would like to see the ref’s tighten up on the calls. We’re allowing too much holding, flag guarding, and the offensive lines are jumping and not getting called on it. Also, in the flag division, when a defensive player tackles a player to the ground, it is defensive holding unless the tackle is a result of the player reaching for the flags and is inadvertent. A lot of this is happening, especially the holding, on the back side of the play. We realize that you won’t catch all of those, but we know they are seeing it now and simply aren’t calling it because we wanted to keep the flow of the game moving and keep the boys playing ball and lessen the impact of calls on the game. So, we now want to basically start throwing the flags more to help us teach the boys what is legal and what isn’t.

2. There are a few games that I’ve heard where there is some blocking below the waist. That’s a major no-no in our group. 15 yard penalty and loss of down.

3. Coaches trying to coach after the quarterback has left the huddle…coaches aren’t allowed to coach after that point-in-time. First time is a warning and a 5 yard penalty, second time is removal from the field…not an ejection. That coach must go to the sideline and another coach can take their spot on the field.

4. Time in the huddle. If these kids don’t know the plays by now, then they should get a delay of game penalty. Play clock is 45 (flag), 45 (midget), 40 (colts), and 35 (juniors) seconds.

5. Toss out the mercy rule. We’ll run the clock as a regular clock for every game. Coaches may call timeouts regardless of the score. There is simply no way to really set a rule for what is or isn’t a mercy rule and then how to enact it during a game. However, if the ref leans over and talks to the coach that is down by 18 and asks if he wants us to hurry the clock, then do so…but only at the ‘ok’ by that coach. As we all know, the ref’s control when the clock rolls time and when it doesn’t.

6. No more than 6 players (except for the oldest age group) on the defensive line. All other players must be at least 2 yards off the line of scrimmage.

7. Anytime a player with an “X” on the back of their helmet touches the ball, the ball is dead where they touch it. No exception. Each town’s commissioner is responsible for checking if the proper players are marked with an X based on the official roster.

8. Two coaches on the field during flag games. One coach for the next two divisions. No coaches on the field for the oldest division. I’ve seen where we have 2 coaches on the field during the first tackle football game. Let’s back that down to one coach.

Thanks,
Coach Dumb Fuck
PeeWee Football, President
Local Football & Cheer, Commissioner

From here on out the Mole began crafting an e-mail and below is what was mailed to every official, coach, and commissioner that the initial e-mail was sent to:

Dan,
After getting a copy of this e-mail last night from Mr. Dumb Fuck a fire was lit in me unlike any that I have felt in quite some time. For him to complement us yet go through a laundry list of things that we should “tighten up” is a slap in the face of everything these instructional leagues are there to accomplish. Now, I know that Mr. Dumb Fuck has probably dropped a little coin on a shirt that says coach/commissioner as is indicated in his signature from the afore mentioned e-mail; but even though I’m sure he’s had years of hard work and training, spent thousands of dollars and hours on various schools and clinics as we have to become a “coach”, what he fails to realize is that he has no control.

1.“Tighten up” on the administrative calls. This is complete garbage. The flags are not a teaching tool. Call me cynical, but I thought the whole purpose of practice was to learn to line up, and hold the snap count. These are the most basic foundations of the game of football, and are a direct reflection of poor practice habits. We won’t call it like Friday night, and shouldn’t have to since the “coaches” have an inability to teach this most basic of football concept. In my 10+ years with this and other leagues, I can count on one hand the number of coaches who were able to get these done.

2.If blocking below the waist is a major no-no in this group then why are we just now finding out about it? It’s been what, 5-7 years since this league has been in existence, and not one time has a set of rules been disseminated to the league officials. Again, this hearkens back to the “coaches/commissioners” inability to properly equip anyone to be involved with their games.

3.If these teams were properly prepared prior to game time, no coach would be required. The best course of action here is to remove this rule completely and get some sweat stains on that “coach” shirt. Prepare your teams for the game. Again, if this is such an issue, it needed to be taken care of weeks ago by getting a set of rules to the officials covering your games.

4.Actually there is a way to set a mercy rule, if he actually new the rules of football he would know that there is a mercy rule at specific levels of play. Of course there is also a rule that provides for failure to wear proper equipment. I suggest to all the officials calling this league to “tighten up” on that rule, and then we wouldn’t have to worry about this garbage.

5.I’m going to echo 4 and 2 here.

6.I’m going to echo 6, 4, and 2 here. Look, a pattern, all even numbers.

7.I’m pretty sure I already covered this in 3. Properly prepared teams do not need a coach, and thus will render this rule obsolete.

I know how I’m coming off in this e-mail and it’s purposeful. What I want to remind all of the officials on this mailing is that it is YOU who are charged with administrating the games not this “coach”. It is you who are going to call what you want, when you need to, and this mailing is nothing more than an extension of complaining from the sideline. No matter what this coach has said, and no matter what is written, you are in charge on the field and your call is just that, your call; so it is written, so shall it be done. Whether it is good or bad, it’s still yours and you should never let a coach talk you into a senseless penalty, remember your training.

As for a final thought on this issue of “tighten up”; Dan, if this clown really wants this, then he should compensate us for mileage, provide for 5 officials as well as insurance coverage. There is a reason why Friday’s are called a specific way and our Saturday instructional leagues are called another. Everyone should realize that. Please remove me from all Saturday scheduled games, as well as mailings, form here forward. I will not roll over for these weekend Lombardis, so I feel it is better that I just don’t call.

Regards,

Mole
Jeeper/Dog Peter/Executive Vice President In Charge Of World Cheese Consumption.

So yeah, I'm done.

Coach, He's Not Bleeding.....

So, as many of you may recall, The Mole is an official. Also, many of you know that he tends to have a true disdain for coaches. It typically doesn't matter if they're over a youth team, or NCAA program, 99% of them are worthless in my eyes. Some of you that started reading The Mole from the beginning know that I've even compared their intelligence to that of the average Dallas stripper.

However, every once in a while, one will do something impressive. A coach will actually say something that he didn't learn at his chimp clinic where he and the other monkeys learn lines to recite to officials, drink a ton of beer, and tell stories of their glory days playing special teams at Division III Northeastern Texas A&M University at insert po-dunk city name when they blocked a punt during practice and got an extra $50 bucks toward his meal plan. For one 3a coach, today was his day. After a 30 yard sweep to the home side resulting in a score, his running back began to cramp up. After signaling the score, the clock was killed for an injury time out, and the old Mole informs the coach of the situation. Obviously, being a very hairy man, he slowly walks up to his player, and asks him, "Do you want me to get you a tampon, or are you going to get off the field".

Amazing! A coach with an original thought! What's next, ice-cubes that don't melt? Kudos coach, you're tops in my book. Good luck the rest of the season, you've earned it in my eyes.

Aggieland Will Always Be Special To The Mole?

There are many things in life that will burn an unforgettable image into your mind. It could be terrifying memories of finding out that your Grandmother died on Christmas morning, or watching your grandfather struggle is a semi-state of consciousness after a heart attack. It can also include awesome memories of trying to muster the ability to recite the vows of your marriage, or hitting a running back so hard that he has to leave the game.

This past week, the Mole took vacation to go work. Some are probably thinking Mole, that's pretty masochistic, and you'd be right. But, my hobby, as most of you know, is officiating, and in order to do it I have to take vacation. So, P and I loaded down the car, brought the dog, and headed off to Bryan/College Station for the USA/ASA 18A National Championship tournament. From Monday July 30th to Sunday August 5th the Mole worked 17 games in a tournament that included 134 teams from 38 states. This is the second highest youth tournament in the Nation behind only the 18 Gold that you'll see this next weekend on ESPN. First, you would expect that from my previous umpiring accounts that there was probably a blow up, and the Mole would have some story to tell about a jackass coach saying or doing something stupid. To be honest though, all the teams were very pleasant. It was impressive to see so many good athletes and good coaches all in one tournament.

Enough about the teams.

This tournament also included an umpire roster that had two dozen+ DI umpires, an umpire that worked the Atlanta Olympics, not to mention the other various DII, DIII, and JUCO umpires in attendance. End the end though, the Umpire In Charge(UIC)and his assistants, had to pick four people to work the championship game. The Mole was one of those. Not only that, the UIC and one of his assistants, a woman who worked behind the plate in the championship game of the World Cup of Softball two weeks ago on ESPN, personally told me they enjoyed watching the Mole's plate game. For two umpires of this caliber to speak those words made an overwhelming feeling of pride rush all over the old Mole, it nearly brought me to tears when the championship assignments were announced.

The championship game was amazing. Two teams from California duked it out like a heavyweight boxing match, with the team from the winner’s bracket finally managing to come back and win 7-6. The crew the Mole was with never missed a call, and though I only got to work first, I found out afterwards that I was second choice to work the plate to my friend, and mentor who is a Big XII umpire. The Mole counts that as an honor indeed.

In the aftermath of it all, it looks like the Mole is going to get to start working a DII schedule, and is going to be one of six umpires to go to the Big XII tryout up in Oklahoma at OU in September. I wasn't one of the best umpires at this tournament by far. But for the staff to see the potential, and give me that assignment, the emotions and tears I had to choke down with the announcement of my name as a part of crew is a feeling I'll never forget. The Sunday before games started last week, at the opening ceremonies, I told my friend and mentor that I would one day call on the field of Lady Aggie, the softball field there at TexasA&M University. One week later, I was there working first base, in the biggest game of my life......and it was
awesome.

I's N Vaygus, Misn Ur Stricuz

Sorry, but lolcats make the Mole laugh. This weekend P and I went to Vegas to call in a college showcase. What's a college showcase you ask? It's a tournament where teams get together and play games where the scores don't matter. The purpose is to obtain a scholarship from the various collegiate coaches that fly in to watch. Since the Mole is people who know people, I was invited this year (and now every subsequent year) to call the 18 Gold games. 18 and under Gold is as good as you can get in youth fast-pitch. How good can that be? Well, ESPN broadcasts the national championship games, that's now good. Anyway, P, once again, lost her ass on the tables, I pretty much broke even, and we both met some great people while I got to call some of the world's elite fast pitch umpires.

There are things to be learned when traveling to Vegas, and for those not initiated, here's a few tips from the old Mole:

*Never use the toilets outside of an all you can eat seafood buffet

*The hooker cards that are handed out on the strip that say $79. It's $79 off a starting price of $200 (the bastards)

*Don't split 10s (I'm still pissed at that guy)

*Don't slurringly tell the people at the TSA checkpoint your wife is the drunk one.

*Don't call the pit boss a "mangina"

*Do tell unfriendly yankees to go fuck themselves

*Do get married there (WAY more simple)

*Don't buy La Salsa's Yard Margarita's

*Don't stay at the MGM Grand, it's a shit hole

These are just a few lessons I've learned over 6 years and 5 or so trips I've made, and the Mole hopes you'll find them useful.

One Year Later

So I've been blogging for a year now, and it's strange to actually go back and look at some of the stuff I've written about. My life has gone through a lot of changes like getting married, losing a good friend, and I becoming a college official. I guess, when you break it down though, it's just life. We continue to live it and try to roll with what happens next.

So, before I step away from the computer for the Thanksgiving Holiday, which round these parts consists of an orgy of food, alcohol, and football; I'd like to say thanks to those who have read, and enjoyed, piss off to those that have read and disagreed, and have a happy Thanksgiving to all.

(Also a special thanks to the grammar and spelling police for not being to hard on a guy that has the writing ability of the average 3 year old)

---

The Mole's Top 10 Favorite Year One Entries

Out of 85 entries to my blog, these are my personal favorites:

• Getting Your Hair Cut in Greenville, or Having a Horse Bang You....What's Worse?


• HEYYYY YOUUUUU GUYYYYYYYSSSSSSS!!!!!!


• The Austin Experience


• I've Been Scratched


• Grape Snow Cones


• I Got All Dressed Up For This?


• Infidel! I Smite The With My Holy AK-47!!!!!!!


• Mole Goes To A Gay Bar (I need to finish part II)
  


• Mole Jeep 1 : Honda Tard 0


• That Rug Really Tied The Room Together.

So, yeah.....I Popped My Cherry Today

There aren't many things that get me excited. By excited I don't mean 6-year-old Christmas morning excited, nor do I mean Kanye West getting a new Mercedes excited. I mean, nervous, and I'm talking SO tight, that you can't drive a nail up my ass.

Today I had a college tryout to see if I'm good enough to call softball at the next level. I had three games today in a little round robin friendly that consisted of teams from Texas, Oklahoma, and Louisiana. My games weren't perfect, but they were solid, and I felt really great on my drive home.

You know, people do a lot of bitching and complaining about officials and the calls that are made during the course of a game. They speak on how "they" don't care, how "they" take "it" away from the kids, but you should see it from behind the mask. Anyone can be an armchair quarterback, just like everyone can see a strike or ball better when they're looking through a chain-link fence. But Quite honestly, the average person doesn't have the guts, balls, intelligence, or the mental fortitude to not only learn and apply the rules in a pressure situation, but also keep control of a continuingly volatile situation.

Hell, if reffing were easy, they'd calling it coaching......Just kidding Coach Johnson.....

Today I went out, having never so much as set foot on a college ball field, and fucking dominated. I worked my ass off. Not for the coaches, not for the fans, and not for the players, but for me. Even though it was my first time in a college situation, there wasn't a soul that knew it, but me. And that's probably why I spent the majority of my first plate game trying to choke down vomit. It's funny; I care so much about getting it right on the field that it literally makes me sick during a game.

Anyway, I'm here, I'm young, and I'm good. The NCAA is about to be changed forever.

I May Be Bad, But I Ain't "THAT" Bad

So it's that time of the year, football season. This season I've embarked upon an experiment with football officiating, I've taken on a "white hat". What does that mean? Basically, I'm the guy you'll see on Saturdays and Sundays that speaking on the mic, and giving hand signals to the crowd explaining penalties that have occurred, and what the enforcement of each foul will entail. Funny thing is, the closest guy on my crew to my age is 13 years older, and that's not to mention the coaches that "have been doin' this thang longer than I've been uh-live".

Thanks coach......


Anyway, I had to hand pick a crew. Since, most of the experienced guys where already with other crews I went into the softball kitty and found a group of guys that I knew could handle themselves in game situations. While we got off to a rough start even before the first kick off, we've managed to have really solid games, even with our lack of experience. Things are going really smooth on Fridays, and honestly, I really have to commend the coaches and players of every game we've covered this season. They've all been well mannered, and knowledgeable about the rules; well, all but one team, but they had 50 hung on them by half time. Their coach was crazy. He would not shut his mouth the entire game, and was wound up so tight that I thought the truffle shuffle was going to break out from this Chunk look-a-like.

At least he was entertaining


Anyway, all is well on the varsity side, however the weekend Lombardis of the Pee-Wee leagues are killing me, and I lost my cool last weekend. It was the fourth game of the day, the last game, and since there were only 3 of us working the games, my feet felt like bloody stumps from all of the running on the crappy pasture (field) were playing on. Not only that, I was working the sideline of a team that was getting their ass handed to them 19-0 with under a minute left. Now, the collective coaching knowledge of this group of misfits probably equaled that of Daniel McMann, so I was being the good guy and letting them roam around. I was hot, tired, and generally just didn't want to get into anything. Unfortunately for me, sometimes even when you're not looking for trouble, it'll still find you.

There we are, 15 seconds from the end of the game. The winning team has graciously given up possession on their own 6 so that the team with the goose egg on the board will have a chance to score. A pass play is called and a kid runs a route into the end zone and from my angle looks to catch a pass for a touchdown. However, the kid has his back to me, and my two partners say the ball went in and came out, incomplete pass. Since I can't see through the kid, I don't disagree, and we wave the reception off. This news isn't very pleasing to the coach though, and even with my explanation of not being from Krypton, and therefore can't see through the player to make the correct call, is not good enough.

Coach: You need to be a man; you need to make a call.
Adam: Coach, you need to take yourself and your team back to the team area. (the marked space between the 25 yard lines) I don't want to see you for the rest of the game (4 seconds), and I don't hear another word out of your mouth.
Coach: Sure *walks off waves his hand at me*

Mole: Did you see that?
Adam: What?
Mole: That guy just did the one handed blow you off wave!
Adam: I know, I'm going to be cool though, he's just another idiot dad living vicariously through his son. I mean, this guy has "COACH" on his shirt, which alone should tell you how small a package he's working with. He's not worth my time
Mole: I think you should get him, flag him for 15.
Adam: Not now, not with 4 seconds.

So after the commotion, coach 2 inch calls a sweep to my side, and his kid is tackled for no score, time's out, ball game.

Coach: You're terrible!!!
Adam: Ok coach. *walks away*
Coach2: YOU NEED TO GROW A PAIR AND MAKE A CALL!!!!!

Mole: OH NO HE DEH 'ENT!!!!! Sic 'em!!!!

Adam: What did you say?
C2: I said you need to grow a pair and make a call!!!!
C: Yeah, you're terrible.
Adam: So I'm terrible huh?
C: Yeah.
Adam: Have I been terrible the whole game?
C: Yeah.
Adam: See that score board coach, *pointing* I may be bad, but I'm not 19-0 bad. That zero is on you, because you're not good enough to prepare your kids to play a decent game.

With that, I turn and leave. I think I got my point across, what about you?

My Partner

I lost my partner on Tuesday.

There are a lot of people you run across in life. Some are intellectuals, some are athletes, some are followers, some are leaders, and some are assholes. David Gann was all of those traits, and knew when to utilize each of them to get through any situation. As an intellectual, he constantly kept his nose in his rulebook. He studied, read, and went to classes, so that he would know his craft inside and out. As an athlete, he took pride in his ability to work in conditions that most would find unbearable. In the hot Texas heat, this man would don long navy pants, shin guards, chest protectors, a facemask, steel plated shoes, and a wool hat. He would call games that would seemingly last forever, for teams that were rarely grateful of his presence; just because he loved being around the competition. As a follower, he knew when to shut up and listen. He knew that when certain people told him things he needed to improve on, he'd do it. There would be no questions, he wouldn't roll his eyes and wait for that person to leave so he could go back to the way HE wanted to do it. He would correct his mistake; he would become a better official. As a leader, he would take other younger officials under his wing and tutor them. He would take a role that others took with him so that if they wanted to, the officials he worked with could become better at what they did. And, as an asshole, he knew when to draw the line. He knew when it was time to pull the trigger, and he knew when to say enough was enough. His games never got out of hand.

David and I met 5 years ago when we both joined the Greenville High School fast-pitch softball chapter. We both excelled at the sport, and quickly rose up through the ranks of not only our local association, but also within the ranks of the State ASA organization. Whenever there was a tournament, we rode together. When we called championship play, we always managed to get the same assignment both at the State and National level. And when we went to these tourneys, we showed the world what kind of good young umpires were coming to ASA.

Two weeks ago, I called my last tournament with David at an ASA National, because Tuesday he was killed at work. My competition is gone. The man who personally pushed me to be a better umpire is gone. The reason why I continue to ref football this season is gone. Had it not been for him and our 3rd running buddy, I was going to hang up my stripes. As it stands, I've ventured off on my own with a new varsity crew, and me helming the Referee position. I would have never done that had it not been for him.

Though officiating is a hobby of sorts, I'm a professional. There are very few of us at this level that act in that manner when it comes to officiating, but David was one as well. It's a thankless job we do, and now that he’s gone, I'll never have the chance to thank him for how he pushed me to be the best that I can be. It just seemed like yesterday when we were making plans to try out for a college rotation this fall. I guess I’ll be going by myself.

David Gann was a husband, a father, an official, and a friend.

I'll miss you bud, but I'll never forget you.

I've Been Scratched

Well, they say there are two kinds of officials in this world; those that a school has scratched, and those who have yet to be scratched by a school. Well, I entered the "scratched" ranks of a particular High School this past week. For those of you that don't officiate, that means I am no longer allowed to call at this school. Now I'm forced to ask myself the question why? Why did this coach feel the need to scratch me? What did I do to make her pull the trigger? Why do I care?

Looking back on the game, it was pretty uneventful. The coach in question won, and I really had no hard calls to make. However there were three instances where she had to come out of the dugout and question my call. The first two were for the call "illegal pitch". It's the softball equivalent to a balk, and there are several different things that can occur for a pitch to be illegal. My call was made simply for what is known as the "Leap". In the Federation book (High School Rule Book) a leap is defined under Rule 2, Article 4, Section 33: "A Leap is when both feet are airborne by the pitcher prior to delivering the pitch", easy right? Slow down there cowboy, not when you coach in North East Texas, and you pitched for a junior college whose acceptance policy is that you have a tongue ring, and can dance to euro-trash techno while contorting your hands holding glow sticks. This stupid heifer wants to pull out the old "she's not gaining any advantage" line on me too. You know, if she wasn't gaining an advantage then why would the National Federation of State High School Associations have it in their book? Is it their contempt for trees? Do they feel the need to print insignificant shit just to waste paper? No, It's a rule you tard, get used to it.

So this call gets levied on her a few more times and she is none to happy with the old Mole. That's fine, she's not the first coach to be upset with me and she won't be the last. But, I'm doing my job, I'm doing it well, and her players are cheating. It's as simple as that.

It gets better though. Later in the game we have a steal and the defender is blocking the runner’s access to the bag. The runner slides into the defender; the defender catches the ball, and puts a tag down. Me, I rule "dead ball" give the signal for delayed dead-ball, verbalize "OBSTRUCTION" and rule the runner safe. This call however doesn't sit well with coach, so she calls time and waddles her fat ass across the field to question my call....again. "Blue, I have to appeal this one. She got the tag on before the runner reached the base, you totally missed it". To which I responded, "Coach I'm not going to disagree with you but this runner is safe as a result of the obstruction". She then proceeds to do what all professional coaches do, she rolls her eyes like she's lacking a constant flow of oxygen to her brain, and stomps back to the dugout. Does she ask me for a rule interpretation, does she ask what I saw and why I ruled what I did? No, panting because she had to remove her gelatinous can off that damn ball bucket, she just drags herself back to the dugout. No other comments, no words exchanged the rest of the game, and following day, I'm scratched. Again, to quote the book, Rule 2-Article 4-Section 36:

"Obstruction is the act of the defensive team member that hinders or impedes a batter's attempt to make contact with a pitched ball or that impedes the progress of a runner or batter-runner who is legally running the bases, unless the fielder is in possession of the ball or is fielding a batted ball. The act may be intentional or unintentional, physical or verbal."

For those of you not following along, defender had no ball, blocked bag, runner slides into defender, defender catches ball, and tags runner before runner reaches base successfully. I understand that the collegiate knowledge base of this coach is the same as average Dallas stripper, but how could she be upset about this call?

I've been stewing on this for a few days, and there are two things I find upsetting. One, if you're a coach, don't come to me arguing a call when you haven't spent the time and effort to read the damn book. The thing isn't really long, and it's not Homer. It's easy to comprehend the first time through. Secondly, if you're an official, grow a proverbial pair, let them drop, and make the call. Some of you are so eff’n scared of a coach it's laughable. They're just people, like us. By not making that call you're doing a disservice not only to your fellow official who comes in behind you making that call, but to the girls playing, and the integrity of the game. Because of the ineptitude of a coach that is either illiterate, or should work on her reading comprehension; and my fellow officials that won't make the hard call because they don't know to, or because they're a pussy, I'm scratched.

Oh and one other thing, to her red-neck dad that uses "cain't" and can't seem to pronounce the 'G' in the 'ing' suffix, you sucked when you called ball. You didn't have the sack for the job and that's why you quit. Do us all a favor and quit trying to recite rules you didn't know 5 years ago and have changed since you pussied out of calling.

I'll be working toward my college try out while you're trying to keep your daughter from dating "them boys"

Clown

Get Off Your Knees, You're Blowing the Game

I had my first softball scrimmage last night, and as with most games, there was the no-it-all behind the fence yelling about rules. Of course, he was wrong in his "interpretation" of the rule, and I paid him no mind which is what we're taught, but on the inside it irks me.

These men and women who come to games and toss around their extensive knowledge of the rules like a chimp throwing shit completely puzzle me. Since I've been officiating sports for 10 years now (power-lifting, football, softball), I've tried to find a common denominator in who these MENSA candidates are, but the thing is, you can't. They come in all shapes and sizes, and all walks of life. There is nothing that relates one of these soft skulled buffoons to the next other than the fact that their head is probably filled with the corn picked form a well formed grunt I forgot to flush.

So, I want to dispel a few a myths and "old wives tales" for those of you that insist on enlightening the rest of the world with your rule knowledge:

• "Isn't she out of the box?"

As a matter of fact, no she probably isn't. For a batter to be out of the box, two things must occur 1) she has to have her entire foot out of the box. This means if any part of her foot is still touching the line, she's in, period. 2) If she even happens to satisfy the above criteria, then she has to make contact with the pitch for me to even get an out. There's a reason why you hardly see this called, it's just hard to accomplish


• "Tie goes to the runner!"

This is heard at least once a year, and if you believe this then it's time to thin the heard. There is no wording in the book that says "tie goes to the runner". A runner or batter/runner is either "safe" or "out". They either beat the ball to the play or they don't, it's that simple. Therefore, a tie is an out, she did not beat the ball.


• "He's face guarding!"

Welcome to the world of Texas high school football where we use the NCAA rule book, and there is no face guarding. If you want to watch football where the rules package is skewed to put the defense at an unfair disadvantage then take your comments to an NFL game.


• "He can't hit him after 5 yards"

Again, see the above post. This comment alone explains why a man majors in P.E. and roams around locker rooms full of teenage boys in showers. It also separates people into the group that, you know, eats cheese and mayo sandwiches and pays for Jimmy Buffet tickets.

So there you go, I may add to this later but for now I’m finished. Shut up about the rules, and be creative if you’re going to heckle. Stuff like "You're missing a good game" has been retread many times, and lacks imagination. If you do plan on complaining about these things I mentioned above or chiming in with some "Do you need glasses" type heckle then let me suggest you make a career change by clicking here, I'm sure they could use your help more than me.