Get Off Your Knees, You're Blowing the Game

I had my first softball scrimmage last night, and as with most games, there was the no-it-all behind the fence yelling about rules. Of course, he was wrong in his "interpretation" of the rule, and I paid him no mind which is what we're taught, but on the inside it irks me.

These men and women who come to games and toss around their extensive knowledge of the rules like a chimp throwing shit completely puzzle me. Since I've been officiating sports for 10 years now (power-lifting, football, softball), I've tried to find a common denominator in who these MENSA candidates are, but the thing is, you can't. They come in all shapes and sizes, and all walks of life. There is nothing that relates one of these soft skulled buffoons to the next other than the fact that their head is probably filled with the corn picked form a well formed grunt I forgot to flush.

So, I want to dispel a few a myths and "old wives tales" for those of you that insist on enlightening the rest of the world with your rule knowledge:

• "Isn't she out of the box?"

As a matter of fact, no she probably isn't. For a batter to be out of the box, two things must occur 1) she has to have her entire foot out of the box. This means if any part of her foot is still touching the line, she's in, period. 2) If she even happens to satisfy the above criteria, then she has to make contact with the pitch for me to even get an out. There's a reason why you hardly see this called, it's just hard to accomplish


• "Tie goes to the runner!"

This is heard at least once a year, and if you believe this then it's time to thin the heard. There is no wording in the book that says "tie goes to the runner". A runner or batter/runner is either "safe" or "out". They either beat the ball to the play or they don't, it's that simple. Therefore, a tie is an out, she did not beat the ball.


• "He's face guarding!"

Welcome to the world of Texas high school football where we use the NCAA rule book, and there is no face guarding. If you want to watch football where the rules package is skewed to put the defense at an unfair disadvantage then take your comments to an NFL game.


• "He can't hit him after 5 yards"

Again, see the above post. This comment alone explains why a man majors in P.E. and roams around locker rooms full of teenage boys in showers. It also separates people into the group that, you know, eats cheese and mayo sandwiches and pays for Jimmy Buffet tickets.

So there you go, I may add to this later but for now I’m finished. Shut up about the rules, and be creative if you’re going to heckle. Stuff like "You're missing a good game" has been retread many times, and lacks imagination. If you do plan on complaining about these things I mentioned above or chiming in with some "Do you need glasses" type heckle then let me suggest you make a career change by clicking here, I'm sure they could use your help more than me.