Bode Miller

If you're like me, you're tired of this guy. Bode Miller, the "rebel" who, as the pre-Olympic toast of the town, seemed to grace every magazine cover and was force feed to us through the Nike ad juggernaut. After loosing everything he entered, his interviews were slanted to the, I just came here to have fun angle. Sell all you want Bode, but I'm not buying. Most everyone knows that I love PTI and to use one of their favorite sound bites "You play to win the game". Thanks Herm Edwards, that's what I think too. Why bother going to Italy if you're just trying to have a good time. Just stay in Colorado, drink and ski you clown. Do what the rest of us commoners do when we go skiing. Don't take up my precious TV programming time watching you lose when I could be watching The Office, and My Name is Earl. Though the Winter Olympics amount about as much to the sports landscape as I do the Calvin Klien underwear modeling campaign, this can be likened to the flop of the last "Dream Team".

I hope this guy just falls off the face of the earth but I doubt I'll be that lucky, so instead of having to refer to him as Bode Miller, I'm going to associate his name with another potentially great "C" sport athlete that never realized his full potential; Roy Munson. Henceforth I will refer to Miller as Munson. He deserves it, he worked hard for it.


"What is it about going O-Fer in all of your events that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger."

Cali sucks

NASCAR goes to Cali, the fans go to sleep.

I can't comment much on the race as both my dad and I sleep through all but first and last 50 laps. I really didn’t think anything could get as boring as last week's race but the single file racing at California is about like watching a Zach Braf movie.

I would like to give a quote of the race but I sleep through it all so I have nothing. I did read a good series of lines from Dale Jr. to his Crew Chief Tony Jr. so I'll give it to him.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: "Yeaaaahhh! I'm the lucky dog! I saw Martin [Truex Jr.] coming in behind me and I thought I was going to have to race for it."
Tony Eury Jr.: "Uhh, Junebug, you're not even close to being a lap down."
Dale Jr.: "What's going on, am I a lap down?"
Tony Jr.: "No, we're on the lead lap. We're 17th, and there are 26 cars on the lead lap."
Dale Jr.: "Oh, I saw that 1 next to my number on the board, and I got nervous because it said there I'm a lap down."
Tony Jr.: "Yeah, that's because nobody is clicking off their deals when they come around. The leaders were so far ahead from the field, I guess it got a little confusing."

NASCAR needs to go back to "The Rock".

Alpha Gamma Rho

Well, I'm speechless. I have no idea what to say about this story, but for those of us that always wondered about the AGR's when you were in college, this pretty much confirmed my suspicions.

Daytona

Just finished the Daytona 500. I'm a little behind but I had a softball meeting today and had to watch the last 2 hours via TIVO. There were 2 things that really stood out, and one was Jamie MacMurray in the #26 Ford Crown Royal car. The way he drove that race you’d have thought he had a late night with Canada's finest. This guy spent the entire race running into the rear of every car in front of him. And, you know, I realize that in plate racing you have to "bump draft", but bump drafting is different than running through the car in front of you. That little SOB needs to calm down. Speaking of calming down Tony Stewart should revisit his comments of the previous Sunday. This guy made the bold statement that in another 5 years they'd be commemorating another death with the way guys are driving at Daytona. Of course he was referencing the death of Dale Earnhardt, but in the race, the guy tried to wreck two different guys on the track and had a close call with a third. To be honest, I like Tony. He's won me over the past few years with his honesty and if you ask me was positioning himself to be that rough around the edges winner that everyone respected and fear, not unlike Dale Sr. However when he had the opportunity to man up, to say and do the right things, he tried to pass the buck; be a leader Tony. In the post race interview this guy totally pulled a Payton tossing all the blame darts at other people.

Jr. had a pretty good race. He led the most laps, and after the running order shook out from a wreck on the last lap he wound up 8th. With his bonus points from leading a lap and leading the most laps (5+5) he'll be 6th over all in the points. What pisses me off is that you have arguably the best restrictor plate driver on the track, and with 2 laps left he jumps out of line and tries to win and no one will go with him for draft help. This situation sucks because this is the biggest race of the year, and he and those behind him had a run. However, all of theses fucking sissies sit in line content to go home in 6th, 7th or 8th. If NASCAR wants better racing they should penalize these drivers for being a bunch of pussies. I mean if this is the way the rest of season is going to play out I might as well watch baseball and those prima donnas that go on the IR for 3 weeks because of a hang nail.

Quote of the race goes to Dale Jr. With 2 laps left he's talking on his scanner to his crew about the engine.

"This thing is like an old man. Every once in a while it'll wake up and want to run."

Keep trying to win Jr., it's only a matter of time.

AHHHHHHHHHH NASCAR

In the dog days of summer, after the NFL has finished, it's nice to have NASCAR to watch instead of the tepid "competition" that is stand-around (MLB).

The Busch Series race at Daytona just finished and Jr. did well. His crew made one bad decision at the end that kept him from competing for the win, but the race was very exciting when there were less than 10 laps to go. Big kudos to Michael Waltrip, Dale Jr., and Tony Stewart at the end. These 3 guys went 3 wide too lead the field without wrecking. It goes to show how good racecar drivers can do exciting things without tearing up thousands of dollars of equipment.

Quote of the race goes to recently retired Rusty Wallace, former driver of the #2 Miller Lite Dodge, and now owner of the #64 Top Flight Dodge in the Busch Series.

"We've got a lot of problems today, but beer and golf balls ain't one of them"

Nice.

HEYYYY YOUUUUU GUYYYYYYYSSSSSSS!!!!!!

Well, this past weekend I've been laid up sick. Friday I had nearly a 103 fever and thought I was going to die. Consequently I didn't post or work on Friday or Monday. It "all encompassingly" sucked but with the antibiotics and the codine cough syrup(yum), I'm feeling better, and I won my home poker game this weekend. Yes me and friends are Hold 'em lemmings Fuck off.

So, I get this phone message from my buddy yesterday. Because of what he does we'll call him "Deuce" as an alias. So as many of you have read, I seem to have a nack for picking on retards. I can compare just about anyone or anything to our limp jawed friends that poop themselves. I thought I was really a terrible person, until Deuce called. Below are the contents of his message.

Hey dude, it's DEUCE I just had a complete Adam moment and I’m calling to share with you. You'll either be very amused and flattered that I associated this moment with you, or insulted; I'm going to bet on the former.

But, I was walking into the grocery store and I couldn't find a little carrying basket, all I could find was a cart. So I asked this guy that was sitting up front where I could find one, and he just kind of muttered something and walked off. I thought to myself OK, so I waited there a minute and finally left to do my shopping. When I came back up there, this is how the conversation went down:


Guy: Hey, I was looking for you! (real angry)
Deuce: (With the manager standing there) “Alright, uhh I didn't understand you.
G: Well I looked all over for you, cause I got this basket for you, and what ever dada dada da.
D: Well you just muttered something incoherent and stormed off. I didn't know what to do, I have shopping to do.
So the manger steps in
Manager: Is there a problem?
D: Na, I got my shopping, I needed a basket, I did my shopping, I didn’t understand this guy, he just muttered something and wondered off.
M: Well sir, he has down syndrome, it would help if you'd be patient with him.
D: I’m being very patient, dude, this is not a big deal. I just had to shop, I couldn't understand him and I didn’t know what he was doing.
M: Well sir, we try to help people out and I'm sorry if he's a little slow.
D: Alright, you know what? Next time, write retarded on him and I'll be patient from the very start.

I just stormed off. He looked quiet shocked, and I figured you'd appreciate it, it's right up your alley.

Later.

Afte hearing that message, in my condition, I was laughing so hard that it was everything I could do to keep from coughing up blood. Deuce is a constant form of entertainment, and I can't wait to go to the state basketball tournament with him in March. Austin+sports+alcohol = stories.

Also, because of this story, I'd like to dedicate my favorite holiday anthem to the little guy at the store, I can never see this enough.

REDRUM

The Sydney Morning Herald is reporting that one of the world's last Stone Age tribes which lives on an island, and numbers between 50-200 people, killed a couple of fishermen when their boat landed on the tribe's island in the Indian Ocean.

It seems from further reading that these people have shunned the outside world and fire arrows at anyone who comes within range. They are actually believed to be the last pre-Neolithic tribe in the world to remain isolated and appear to have even survived the 2004 Asian Tsunami. An article written by Adam Goodheart that appeared in the American Scholar in 2000 detailed that at times they can seem friendly as in waving to passers bye, and even accepting gifts of fruits and other things from people that were brave enough to try and land on their shore. At other times in mass they would turn their back to visitors and sit on their haunches as if to defecate.

Truly these are a fascinating people and before the fishermen bought it they were able photograph these simpletons in their natural state. The camera was recovered by local authorities, the film developed, and the Mole as been given exclusive right's to present these pictures to you. From what I was told by local Anthropologists this picture was taken just before ritual male on male sodomy.

It Means Whale's Vagina

The Mole and most of his peers damn near worship Ron Burgundy. We also believe in the words of Champ Kind that "It is anchorman, not anchorlady! And that is a scientific fact." We believe these truths to be self evident, so I had to post this pic, stay classy indeed. I was thinking that another classic Ron Burgundy sign-off might be better suited for Iraq, since we all know he'll read anything that's on the teleprompter, but I'll let that rest.

To the troops, get home safe ya'll.

How Well Do You Really Know George Light?

Just as the title says, how well you really know George Light? I mean we all know him as the straight laced Commerce kid who is the spitting image of Scott Baio, right? Don't believe me, take a look at the photo evidence below.Now, normally we could dismiss this as pure coincidence but think about it; have you seen George and Scott Baio in the same room at the same time? The answer my friends is no. On top of that, you can't deny the look George gets in his eye when someone calls him Chachi, and I don't think I even have to mention the uncanny similarities in how "they" (if "they" can be considered "they") feather their hair.

To further my point we'll look at their dating history. Scotty here has pulled some of the craziest ass in Hollywood using his......well.....I'm sure he has something that's attractive to the ladies, but fuck me if I know what it is. At any rate he's put in the bag the following Hollywood starlets: Baywatch actresses Pamela Anderson, Erika Eleniak and Nicole Eggert (the latter co-starring with Baio on Charles In Charge prior to Baywatch); Natalie Raitano, Nicolette Sheridan, Brooke Shields, and Heather Locklear. As you can see, Mr. Baio "gets around". In fact, it's unbelievable what this guy can and has done. With George, well, since you're here reading this, you may be one, so I'll spare the names of those involved and just say George had fun in college. In fact, there were many times that you would hear around the KA house, "How does he do it". Exactly, how does he do it? How does Scott Baio do it? If we have to ask these question about "two" different guys I think it goes to show that there again they may actually be the same person.

How do they do it? I'd like to make this assertion.....George is a WASP, but not just any WASP, a highly evolved, or possibly mutant WASP. You can read more about it here in an article in which scientist/author Carl Zimmer talks about his findings in studying Ampulex Compressa (subject WASP). Since most of you have the attention span of my boxer I'll sum it up for you. Basically, the WASP will sting a roach in the brain and inject venom that keeps its instinct to run subdued. Then it basically makes the roach a slave to do its personal bidding.

I found the article very interesting, so much so it made me think of George and consequently Scott Baio. Then, the epiphany stuck me; they're injecting these women via their stinger with mind controlling juice. This isn't rocket science people! If you're one of the ones that are wondering just how George/Scott is doing it, it's their mind controlling stinger juice.

This makes me count my lucky stars I'm not permanently scared after that Jungle Party I woke up in a hoody, rip off basketball pants, and a leopard G-String next to a naked George Baio.

Get Off Your Knees, You're Blowing the Game

I had my first softball scrimmage last night, and as with most games, there was the no-it-all behind the fence yelling about rules. Of course, he was wrong in his "interpretation" of the rule, and I paid him no mind which is what we're taught, but on the inside it irks me.

These men and women who come to games and toss around their extensive knowledge of the rules like a chimp throwing shit completely puzzle me. Since I've been officiating sports for 10 years now (power-lifting, football, softball), I've tried to find a common denominator in who these MENSA candidates are, but the thing is, you can't. They come in all shapes and sizes, and all walks of life. There is nothing that relates one of these soft skulled buffoons to the next other than the fact that their head is probably filled with the corn picked form a well formed grunt I forgot to flush.

So, I want to dispel a few a myths and "old wives tales" for those of you that insist on enlightening the rest of the world with your rule knowledge:

• "Isn't she out of the box?"

As a matter of fact, no she probably isn't. For a batter to be out of the box, two things must occur 1) she has to have her entire foot out of the box. This means if any part of her foot is still touching the line, she's in, period. 2) If she even happens to satisfy the above criteria, then she has to make contact with the pitch for me to even get an out. There's a reason why you hardly see this called, it's just hard to accomplish


• "Tie goes to the runner!"

This is heard at least once a year, and if you believe this then it's time to thin the heard. There is no wording in the book that says "tie goes to the runner". A runner or batter/runner is either "safe" or "out". They either beat the ball to the play or they don't, it's that simple. Therefore, a tie is an out, she did not beat the ball.


• "He's face guarding!"

Welcome to the world of Texas high school football where we use the NCAA rule book, and there is no face guarding. If you want to watch football where the rules package is skewed to put the defense at an unfair disadvantage then take your comments to an NFL game.


• "He can't hit him after 5 yards"

Again, see the above post. This comment alone explains why a man majors in P.E. and roams around locker rooms full of teenage boys in showers. It also separates people into the group that, you know, eats cheese and mayo sandwiches and pays for Jimmy Buffet tickets.

So there you go, I may add to this later but for now I’m finished. Shut up about the rules, and be creative if you’re going to heckle. Stuff like "You're missing a good game" has been retread many times, and lacks imagination. If you do plan on complaining about these things I mentioned above or chiming in with some "Do you need glasses" type heckle then let me suggest you make a career change by clicking here, I'm sure they could use your help more than me.