So this year, P, and her oldest sister decided to do a double date for Valentine's Day. I know what you're thinking, wine tasting at a local vineyard, an overly expensive meal, a visit to the botanical gardens. Wrong, the Mole and his brother-in-law Co-Ray, we're taken to the Science Museum to see the
Body Worlds exhibit. Some of you maybe asking yourself, Body Worlds, what's that? Basically it's dead people injected with plastic, so you can look at their dongs.
So Co-Ray and I bitch all the way to Dallas about having to check out dead people dongs all night, while the girls are in the back showing the first signs of irritation. It's educational they say, it'll be entertaining they say, all they while I'm wondering just how long it's going to be before I piss someone off tonight. Anyway, we wait in line, and eyes begin to roll. Co-Ray and I now bitching about our lack of intoxication coupled with the fact we're about enter the realm of plasticized man beef; gets continuous looks of disgust from those within ear shot. Co-Ray says, "I'm not nearly mature enough to be here", ditto. As the line starts to move, the tension builds, the dong references dry up, and the anticipation actually silences the Mole as my interest peaks on what I'm about see. We turn the corner, and there it is, white, dried up, and hanging. Terrific, running guy and his big fat baby arm.
As you can imagine, Co-Ray and I burst into giggles. It's like 5th grade science class and we're "studying" anatomy for the first time. Soccer mom on the left rolls her eyes, grandmother to the right shakes her head. Mole, front and center points to the man missile so that anyone not paying attention sees that I'm here for one reason and one reason only, unintenional comedy.
Room 1 deals with major organs and the body as a whole. As we enter and weave I realize I'm in a world that would give
George A. Romero a semi. We see the smoker (and his dong), the chess player (and his dong), as well as slices of a guy that had a brain aneurism. Each body focused on a different body part, Runner = muscles, Smoker = lungs, Chess guy = Nerves/Brain. The Mole found it all fascinating, but P was none to pleased to see me hunched over at the seated chess dude, looking at his dong........laughing. Who cares though, I'm learning. On to exhibit hall 2 of 4.
This room confirmed my suspicions about this whole exhibit.
Gunther Von Hagens, the scientist who developed the Plastination technique and put this thing together is fascinated with cock. You may say it's science, I say there's no reason plasticize 3 to 4 foot of horse wang, but he did. At this point, the wives have distanced themselves from Co-Ray and The Mole, as we move from case to case looking at different body parts, joking and laughing. Room 2 deals with the mid body and all the organs that belong there. We see removed lungs, hearts, stomachs, everything. However, the defining moment of the night occurred while looking at the sports hernia.
Mole: Wow, so that's what a sports hernia looks like.
Co-Ray: Where?
M: Right there.
CR: Where?
M: *pointing* BY HIS DONG!
So there, surround by about 25 people, Co-Ray covers his mouth, trying not to burst out into a huge belly laugh. What happens next is probably THE most surreal moment of my nearly 30 years on this earth. After my dong out-burst, Co-Ray, trying to hold in his laughter, rips one. I'm talking he fucking blows these people out. It's not even close to silent. It was as if the world stood still, and confusion engulfed all of the people surrounding us.
We Run.
We make our way to the corner of the room where we can hide behind a sign. The Mole is in tears, Co-Ray is doubled over laughing, and the night is finally a success, or is it? You see, the girls had separated themselves from us, and I hadn't yet pissed them or anyone else off. The fart was unfortunate, but really, no one around was mad; shocked, but not mad. I leave Co-Ray and find the girls on their way to Room 3. In the hall leading in, 3 animals are on display to show the vascularity of an animal. All the soft tissue, muscle, and bone are removed and the blood vessels are all that's left and it actually shows the animal's shape, cool! So I find them, looking at a chicken, standing side by side. I creep up, stick my head between their's and say, "Wow, just in case you haven't seen enough cock tonight, there you go."
I run.
The lesbian couple in front of P and her sister turn and shoot P a dirty look. P is officially pissed.
Hall 3 was all about muscularity, and finally we get a female or two to check out, but it's nothing to write home about. Once Co-Ray blew out about two dozen people the night had reached it's apex, nothing was going to get better. Hall 4 dealt with dead babies, which was disturbing, and the exit had a 6'4" dude holding a basketball. Apparently he was the largest body with the most muscularity donated to the exhibit, and yes, his dong was prominently on display.
So, what can be learned from the Body World's exhibit? 1. P and her sister like to do morbid things on Hallmark day. 2. Co-Ray could possibly have IBS. And 3. The ratio of dongs, to vag at the Body World's exhibit is 13:4 or 14:4 if you count the horse.
