Milk Was A Bad Choice

So, for those of you that don't know, the Mole is going to be a dad. Yes yes, after nearly 2 years, P agreed to consummate our marriage *pumps fist "YES!"*, and the result is going to lead to a Mole spawn on December 2nd.

The Mole started trading e-mails with a buddy who we'll refer to as Mississippi today. Mississippi and the Mole have a lot in common; We both get stupid drunk, we're both extremely hairy/manly, we're both gluttons for punishment as we both married red heads, and we're both expecting what we think to be our first kids around beginning of December. Anyway, the following is the e-mail traffic from today:

Mole: The Deuce told us about you guys, and I haven't said congrats to you on your little one coming. When are you guys due, and have you found out what it is yet?
Miss: Congrats to you as well. We found out last Tuesday that it is a girl. It is due Dec. 11th. We are up in the air about dna tests…… When is yours due, and have you found out what it is?
Mole: That's awesome man. We're due on December 2nd, and we find out on the 10th what it is. P wants a girl, I want a boy, she wants it to have red hair, and I could care less as long as it doesn't come out blonde, then I'll be pissed. Things are going to change soon man.
Miss: They are already starting to change…..fixin to get real crazy though…..no sleep and no going out……leaving for the weekends are a thing of the past…….I do want to see if the milk tastes like sweet corn juice though…………..
Mole: Wow, I'm speechless, and thirsty.

I'M BATMAN

So, this past weekend everyone went to P's dad's new place to check out the house and have father's day. It's a bit of strange event as we don't see P's dad that often, even though he lives about 40 minutes away. So, as always, Adam tried to be nice the whole time, but the Mole managed to rear his head at one opportune moment.

*Batman commercial on TV, kids and tons of noise in the background*

Co-Ray: Man, I think that Batman movie is going to be good, i can't wait to see it.
Adam: *Oh man, noooooo, don't say it! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!*
Mole: Yeah man, it does look cool, but I hear Heath Ledger dies in the end.
*Total Silence from everyone in the room*
Mole: Seriously, I don't think he's going to be in the next movie.

Slow-pitch Softball: Where Adults, Chimps, And Retards Are Equal

So, last night The Mole had to go do a few slow-pitch softball games. The Mole figured, sure why not. He'll just take the extra money to Vegas next week to blow on some table, plus my assigner was in a pinch and The Mole always helps out his friends. Anyway, through the course of the night, The Mole finds out one thing; there is a reason why he hasn't called a slow-pitch game in 3 years. Calling these games were like watching paint dry while getting your scrot hair pulled out by a 95 year old man with Palsy.

Batting:

SLOW-PITCH SOFTBALL IS TEE-BALL FOR ADULTS!!!!!!!!!! Hitting in slow-pitch softball is probably as easy as banging Lindsay Lohan if you have an eight ball. You see, the ball comes in with a rainbowed arch......slowly. Yet 5 people last night struck out looking, and 6 others struck out swinging, SWINGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Mole had never seen anything like it, not to mentioned the blatant stupidity and ignorance for the rules shown by these mongoloid, downs afflicted morons playing. This message is for the blonde with the nice athletic body but the Mr. Ed/Kentucky Derby face. Tie does not go to the runner, ever. Check out this entry from 2006 and keep that Julia Roberts horse mouth shut, we'll all be better off.

Catching/Throwing:

In the Special Olympics slow-pitch is an event the kids can compete in. This is a sport so simple and so easy to play that it is deemed acceptable for those with mental and physical impairments to compete. I'm sure which ever team won it all last year would have beaten the piss out of one adult team from last night. 25 run inning. I'll let that sink in a bit.......................................................................25 run inning. Because these people can't seem to do fundamental things that should have been learned before the age of 10 they allowed a team to post 25 runs in one half inning. The physical ineptitude of these "players" reached such an all time low that The Mole is certain a Special Olympian with a baby arm and and deer paw for a hand could out throw and catch each of them.

Comportment:

There was none, it got the point that the only way The Mole was going to deal with it was make excitement for himself. So, he started blowing calls on purpose. It didn't matter, these people sucked. Why should they expect anything more form the officials on the field? Funny thing was though, no one argued. Every play The Mole purposefully called got wrong just to stir the hornets nest brought nothing but lady bugs and rainbows. It was almost surreal.

Epilogue:

I hate slow-pitch softball. At least with the little girls, they're supposed to be bad. Here it's just sad to watch grown adults waste good money embarrassing themselves. I don't want to call these games, and they should save their money paying us to call the games. It's a waste of my time and their money.

River Trip '08 - Live From The Sportitorium!!!!!!!

So, the annual River Trip that has evolved over the past few years was up to nearly 20 drunks this time. For those uninitiated, The River is the Guadalupe, and we sit in piss-water by way of an inner-tube or "Toob" for hours on end to drink, cuss, smoke, and generally embarrass our wives/girlfriends/humanity. The list this year included the usual cast of characters but this year we actually had one in character. The Communist lost his bet, chronicled here and here. And, well, thanks to a few cases of beer, and a little face paint, The Communist wound up here, enjoy?

Anyway as with most trips the Mole does his best to log all the stupid shit said over the weekend and this is what could be pieced together.

*Dance Party -"Why do you have a backward P on your chest?"

*Co Ray -"The problem is, we're a pitching wedge from where we started and I'm already fucked up."

*Co Ray -"I've got cellulite on my titties like Phil Mickelson."
Mole-"The problem isn't that you have cellulite, the problem is you have titties."

*(While walking in neck deep water after 6 hours of marathon drinking)
The Deuce -"Hey are you single?"
Jess-"Yes."(oddly receptive)
The Deuce -"Cause I'm single, and I'm looking for single people. HEY MOLE!!!!!!!!! This is Jess she's from Austin by way of Houston."
Mole-"Hey Jess, you seem like a nice girl and all since we've just meet and never spoken before in our lives, but I fucking hate the hippies in Austin and the traffic in Houston. Your home towns suck, no offense."

*The Communist -"Looks like some girl with a bleeding vagina was riding my chest."

(Talking to Co-Ray's wife in a Baylor hat)
*Random River Guy-"Hey, you can't drink wearing that hat...........or dance!"

*(Standing on the Bank)
Dub-C-"Dude, don't stand over there."
The Deuce-"In that water?"
Dub-C-"That's not water, Mole just pissed himself standing there."
The Deuce-"What the fuck man?"
Mole-"Yeah, my bad man, didn't mean to do that again."
The Deuce-"Again!?"

*Mexican Guy-Hey man, is that black girl still following me?
Mole - What?
MG - That black girl over there *pointing*
Black Girl - I see you mother fucker!
P - *look o' terror*
Mole - Do you know her?
MG - Na man, and she won't leave me alone
BG - Are you telling them you don't know me? Mother fucker, you're my baby daddy!