Somebody Call The Discovery Channel

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That's right bitches, there's a reason why Buffalos are on the endangered species list. The white guys with the guns shot 'em all. Fuck you to Tony Romo, for doing everything short of killing my mother and having sex with her dead corpse to ruin my birthday. Hooray $5 dollar pitchers and drunk blogging. Hooray to Nick Folk, I think that's his name; for giving a freshly turned 30 year old something to scream about. I wish 1,000 felatings from Buffalo's finest this evening.

"Yeah, I'd blow a kicka, sho-wa"

Apes Perfer Blondes

In recent news, some Dutch Zoo Keepers are pissed that they can't get their male Orang-utan to mate with the females Orang-utans. It seems this fella is only interested in blonde tattooed human females. The zookeeper states that the male will chase the females, and ignore them, but won't do what he's supposed to do. They seem to think his behavior and amourous approach to his blonde female keepers harkens back to to when he was younger and reared by a blonde keeper who was heavily tattooed.

Mole visited this Great Ape to get some pictures and they are below along with a scribbled statement.

Ape pictured left says "Dude, I'd fuggin' hit dat"

Fuck, Am I Really 30?

Ok, so this weekend P has something in the works because on Monday The Mole is turning 30. 30, shit, guess I'll go to the Dr. on Monday and get the Viagra. You know, the passing of time is a pretty scary thing. Every day lived is another day closer to death, and death sucks. I mean lets face it, if you've read any of the ramblings of the past two years, I'm probably driving the bus to hell so death is really going to suck for me.

So, what will happen this weekend? I'm sure I'll ingest enough alcohol to kill a small horse, be brutally honest with a random fat chick, and piss all over myself. Later that night I'll be left in the car to steam in a coffin of sweat, whiskey, piss, vomit, beer, and Amp Energy Drink. Amp: The Offcial 2008 sponsor of Dale Jr's #88 Chevy Impala.

I guess looking back at the past 3 decades of my life I've had some ups and downs. I've passed out in my driveway dressed as Ali G only to wake up Sunday morning at 9am when people are leaving for church, and I'm an NCAA official. I've floated the Guadalupe River in leopard g-string (they leave funny tan lines), and managed to marry a chick that will love me no matter how much of an insufferable prick I can be.

I guess through all of the ups and downs over the past 30 years, life hasn't been too bad for the Mole. And who knows, over the next 30 years, maybe I can finally convince P to sleep with me so we have a kid; fingers crossed. Oh boy, I can't want to go from "that guy" to "that dad".

So anyway, Happy Birthday to me!!!!!!

In Other News, Mole Is A Jackass

So, on my way home last night, I get a call from an umpire buddy of mine that I also call softball with, WWB. Anyway, WWB asks if I've seen the e-mail from my pee-wee football scheduler. I hadn't yet since I had been out calling a couple of 8th grade games but when I got home this is I was greeted with:

Dan,
Your ref’s this year are doing a fantastic job…these are simple nit-picky things that will help us make the players better players and have nothing to do with the ref’s missing calls or not making the right calls. All of the games, as far as I’ve been made aware, are called evenly and have not swayed any of the games one way or the other. I’m cc’ing all of the commissioners for each of the towns on this email. I ask that they forward this email to all of their coaches. I’ll be doing the same. The purpose is to ensure everyone is aware of the tightening on the calls so that no coach will be caught off-guard by the new policy. Get with your ref’s in our area…here’s a few things that are being passed along to me from our guys that you might mention to them:

1. All the commissioners would like to see the ref’s tighten up on the calls. We’re allowing too much holding, flag guarding, and the offensive lines are jumping and not getting called on it. Also, in the flag division, when a defensive player tackles a player to the ground, it is defensive holding unless the tackle is a result of the player reaching for the flags and is inadvertent. A lot of this is happening, especially the holding, on the back side of the play. We realize that you won’t catch all of those, but we know they are seeing it now and simply aren’t calling it because we wanted to keep the flow of the game moving and keep the boys playing ball and lessen the impact of calls on the game. So, we now want to basically start throwing the flags more to help us teach the boys what is legal and what isn’t.

2. There are a few games that I’ve heard where there is some blocking below the waist. That’s a major no-no in our group. 15 yard penalty and loss of down.

3. Coaches trying to coach after the quarterback has left the huddle…coaches aren’t allowed to coach after that point-in-time. First time is a warning and a 5 yard penalty, second time is removal from the field…not an ejection. That coach must go to the sideline and another coach can take their spot on the field.

4. Time in the huddle. If these kids don’t know the plays by now, then they should get a delay of game penalty. Play clock is 45 (flag), 45 (midget), 40 (colts), and 35 (juniors) seconds.

5. Toss out the mercy rule. We’ll run the clock as a regular clock for every game. Coaches may call timeouts regardless of the score. There is simply no way to really set a rule for what is or isn’t a mercy rule and then how to enact it during a game. However, if the ref leans over and talks to the coach that is down by 18 and asks if he wants us to hurry the clock, then do so…but only at the ‘ok’ by that coach. As we all know, the ref’s control when the clock rolls time and when it doesn’t.

6. No more than 6 players (except for the oldest age group) on the defensive line. All other players must be at least 2 yards off the line of scrimmage.

7. Anytime a player with an “X” on the back of their helmet touches the ball, the ball is dead where they touch it. No exception. Each town’s commissioner is responsible for checking if the proper players are marked with an X based on the official roster.

8. Two coaches on the field during flag games. One coach for the next two divisions. No coaches on the field for the oldest division. I’ve seen where we have 2 coaches on the field during the first tackle football game. Let’s back that down to one coach.

Thanks,
Coach Dumb Fuck
PeeWee Football, President
Local Football & Cheer, Commissioner

From here on out the Mole began crafting an e-mail and below is what was mailed to every official, coach, and commissioner that the initial e-mail was sent to:

Dan,
After getting a copy of this e-mail last night from Mr. Dumb Fuck a fire was lit in me unlike any that I have felt in quite some time. For him to complement us yet go through a laundry list of things that we should “tighten up” is a slap in the face of everything these instructional leagues are there to accomplish. Now, I know that Mr. Dumb Fuck has probably dropped a little coin on a shirt that says coach/commissioner as is indicated in his signature from the afore mentioned e-mail; but even though I’m sure he’s had years of hard work and training, spent thousands of dollars and hours on various schools and clinics as we have to become a “coach”, what he fails to realize is that he has no control.

1.“Tighten up” on the administrative calls. This is complete garbage. The flags are not a teaching tool. Call me cynical, but I thought the whole purpose of practice was to learn to line up, and hold the snap count. These are the most basic foundations of the game of football, and are a direct reflection of poor practice habits. We won’t call it like Friday night, and shouldn’t have to since the “coaches” have an inability to teach this most basic of football concept. In my 10+ years with this and other leagues, I can count on one hand the number of coaches who were able to get these done.

2.If blocking below the waist is a major no-no in this group then why are we just now finding out about it? It’s been what, 5-7 years since this league has been in existence, and not one time has a set of rules been disseminated to the league officials. Again, this hearkens back to the “coaches/commissioners” inability to properly equip anyone to be involved with their games.

3.If these teams were properly prepared prior to game time, no coach would be required. The best course of action here is to remove this rule completely and get some sweat stains on that “coach” shirt. Prepare your teams for the game. Again, if this is such an issue, it needed to be taken care of weeks ago by getting a set of rules to the officials covering your games.

4.Actually there is a way to set a mercy rule, if he actually new the rules of football he would know that there is a mercy rule at specific levels of play. Of course there is also a rule that provides for failure to wear proper equipment. I suggest to all the officials calling this league to “tighten up” on that rule, and then we wouldn’t have to worry about this garbage.

5.I’m going to echo 4 and 2 here.

6.I’m going to echo 6, 4, and 2 here. Look, a pattern, all even numbers.

7.I’m pretty sure I already covered this in 3. Properly prepared teams do not need a coach, and thus will render this rule obsolete.

I know how I’m coming off in this e-mail and it’s purposeful. What I want to remind all of the officials on this mailing is that it is YOU who are charged with administrating the games not this “coach”. It is you who are going to call what you want, when you need to, and this mailing is nothing more than an extension of complaining from the sideline. No matter what this coach has said, and no matter what is written, you are in charge on the field and your call is just that, your call; so it is written, so shall it be done. Whether it is good or bad, it’s still yours and you should never let a coach talk you into a senseless penalty, remember your training.

As for a final thought on this issue of “tighten up”; Dan, if this clown really wants this, then he should compensate us for mileage, provide for 5 officials as well as insurance coverage. There is a reason why Friday’s are called a specific way and our Saturday instructional leagues are called another. Everyone should realize that. Please remove me from all Saturday scheduled games, as well as mailings, form here forward. I will not roll over for these weekend Lombardis, so I feel it is better that I just don’t call.

Regards,

Mole
Jeeper/Dog Peter/Executive Vice President In Charge Of World Cheese Consumption.

So yeah, I'm done.