Touch The Sky

Very few things excite The Mole anymore. He's experienced a lot, and has few regrets from his past. One glaring void in his life however were a missing pair of shoes. The Mole used to work for a shoe store during his freshman year in college. In late '96 when the Air Jordan XI lows came out it became the first time in his life The Mole HAD to have a pair of Jordans. Of course, after a few months of wear they were traded in for a pair of running shoes. A perk of working for a shoe store is that you can "defect" a shoe and send it back for a credit.

Anyway, that is the most regrettable decision The Mole has ever made, and last night, that decision was rectified. Through the miracle of EBay, a nice shiny UPS box lay upon the porch yesterday afternoon. Upon opening the box the matte black finish could catch the eye of Stevie Wonder, in a dark room, during an Arctic winter. There they sat, in the original box, NEVER WORN, until The Mole slipped those 9.5s on.

Yes I know I have small feet, it's the Mexican side of my family, and has nothing to do with other parts, there is no relation of feet or hands so eff off!

So, if you can imagine this scene; there The Mole stood holding that most blessed of "kick" in both hands, holding it high in the air as if it was an offering to God herself. So standing there in nothing but a pair of boxer briefs, he began to geek out. The Mole dawned a pair of black no show socks, his new Jordans, and began to jump around the house touching the ceiling.

Am I embarrassed? Hell no. Am I probably the only salaried employee wearing Jordans to work today? Probably. Would I jump around in my house again in nothing but Jordans and my underwear. You bet your ass I would.


Casual Friday never looked this good

<"insert Ricky Bobby qoute here">

So, Saturday Night The Mole did what he likes to do, got drunk and passed out. However, Saturday night was also race number 26 of the 36 race NASCAR Nextel Cup schedule, and the last race for Dale Jr. to qualify for the 10 race "playoff" called the Chase For The Cup. Lucky for the Mole, he has TIVO, and was able to view everything he missed live on Saturday night. Long story short, 6 laps from the end, and running in 3rd place, with no way of getting into The Chase, Jr's engine blew up.

This season has been one of his best if you're a race watcher, but also a season of what could have been. Currently, the man is 13th in the standings, and has 6 DNFs (Did Not Finish) under his belt. That means that even though he was unable to finish 6 of the races, he still managed to have an outside chance of making into The Chase. What really chaps me is that none of the DNFs were his fault. The first came at the Daytona 500 where he got wrecked in someone else's screw up, and the other 5 where engine failures. ENGINE FAILURES!!!! Four of those 5 he was running top 5 and the 5th he was running 6th when they expired, or began to "let go". Even after all that, the guy still wasn't completely eliminated until the last race leading up to the chase which is encouraging. Next season, with reliable Hendrick motors under him, hopefully, he'll be back in contention. But, now it's another wait till next year season, and that sucks.

*Silver Lining*

Back in the spring, The Mole and some of his fellow degenerates congregated in the Austin area for a bachelor party. Nothing was written of this adventure because nothing was really remembered, except for one thing. One of the Mole's buddies, The Communist, made a bet. It was pretty simple really, his driver is the #9 of Kasey Kahne, The Mole's is #8, Jr. Whoever finishes higher in the season points standings wins. Loser, has to float the Guadalupe River as the gay Ultimate Warrior over Memorial Day weekend during our annual drunken stupor fest. Had Jr. made the chase, this bet would be over since Kasey is in 22nd place. However, now that he is outside the top 12 this will give The Communist a chance to try and make up those 500+ points he's behind. More than likely, you'll see him, not The Mole, floating down the river in all pink. When you do, remind him we're in America, and we don't recognize communist football (soccer) as a real sport.


When real football players grab their knees and roll on the ground, ligaments are torn

Excuse Me, But You're WAY Too Hot, You Can't Fly Today

So, I'm sure most of have seen or heard about Miss Kyla Ebbert. If not, click here, or for those too lazy, she was asked to leave a Southwest Flight, basically for being hot. SWA explains that it could remove any passenger whose clothing is lewd, obscene or patently offensive to ensure the comfort of children and adults with heightened sensitivities. Pictured below is Miss Ebbert, and from the picture, the only thing highly sensitive on me is in the man region.

Boing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What I'm guessing is that the folks at Southwest probably don't do a lot of college recruiting trips, because this chick IS every hot college chick in America. What is offensive about her? That fact that she's got a tan? Is it the nice yams? The fact that she can wear a short skirt and show off legs that's she's probably spent hours perfecting on a stair climber? Shit, it's not like she was blowing the pilot as the rest of passengers were boarding. This is totally ridiculous, and I'm sure that she could blow some lawyer into legal action against SWA.

Now, reading about this got me to thinking, who are the truly obscene and offensive passengers that we must board and fly with just to lose a shit load of cash in Vegas or drink cheap beer in Mexico. Here's what the Mole thinks.

• Fat Fuck: This person typically has a breathing problem, that is, they have a hard time breathing since they are constantly shoving food down their throat. They always ask for extra peanuts, make noises when they eat, and always use the armrest without apology to their neighbors. If that weren't "offensive" enough, they raise the level to "obscene" by usually wearing stained and or ripped sweat pants. OR, in the case of the female gender of this sub-species, stretch pants. What does this type of clothing leave to the imagination, nothing. And unlike Miss Ebbert, none of us want to imagine your smelly ass without clothing. The last image I want in my mind is finding an old Cheeto in the flaps. I hate you, please leave the plane, I don't care if you had to buy two seats for your fat ass.


• Single Parent: Slow down Mole, you can't talk about single parents. Fuck you, I can, and I will. This person is accompanied on the plane with their kid(s), who seem to have an inability to just sit and be quiet. Not only that, but they will ask you for the window seat for their child. You know what, if you wanted a window seat, you should have booked one. Looks like the only thing Johnny or Suzie is looking at this flight is the Shaper Imagine catalog. You see, the kids control the action with these people, and I assume that's why they board the plane all sticky fingered and want to rub it on you, they can with their parents. There is a reason my parents could take me places when I was little. When I acted like a dick, I got my ass whooped. Try that with your kids, just once, for me.


• Smelly Foreign Tourist: I don't like you, I don't like your gray socks, your accent, your bad teeth, your overly expensive backpack, or your Pumas. Let me tell you something else, you know why "Ze Americans" have an elitist attitude? Soap. Here's a bar of Zest, try it out, and go back to what ever Soviet Republic you came from.


• Wind Bag: Sir, madam, there is a reason I'm playing my DS with headphones on. I don't want to talk to you. Leave me alone.
  

The Mole says leave Miss Ebbert alone, and make sure these kinds of people can't get past a TSA check point.

Coach, He's Not Bleeding.....

So, as many of you may recall, The Mole is an official. Also, many of you know that he tends to have a true disdain for coaches. It typically doesn't matter if they're over a youth team, or NCAA program, 99% of them are worthless in my eyes. Some of you that started reading The Mole from the beginning know that I've even compared their intelligence to that of the average Dallas stripper.

However, every once in a while, one will do something impressive. A coach will actually say something that he didn't learn at his chimp clinic where he and the other monkeys learn lines to recite to officials, drink a ton of beer, and tell stories of their glory days playing special teams at Division III Northeastern Texas A&M University at insert po-dunk city name when they blocked a punt during practice and got an extra $50 bucks toward his meal plan. For one 3a coach, today was his day. After a 30 yard sweep to the home side resulting in a score, his running back began to cramp up. After signaling the score, the clock was killed for an injury time out, and the old Mole informs the coach of the situation. Obviously, being a very hairy man, he slowly walks up to his player, and asks him, "Do you want me to get you a tampon, or are you going to get off the field".

Amazing! A coach with an original thought! What's next, ice-cubes that don't melt? Kudos coach, you're tops in my book. Good luck the rest of the season, you've earned it in my eyes.