If you're like the Mole, and you live in the Northeast Texas area, you've been in a perpetual live viewing of Kevin Costner's Waterworld. Good news is all the area lakes are full, bad news the follow up to this live deluge of shit would be living through a live retelling of The Postman (God help us!).
The Mole is officially over the rain, he's sick of it. Luckily though, there was enough of a break to actually mow the lawn. This year, The Mole's goal was to try and reel in a yard that was completely killed off two years ago (thanks MSMA), and is now trying to not be over run with Dallis grass. The front yard is doing better but the back yard is literally a jungle. So Monday, during the dry season, The Mole picked up his trusty iPod, put on Icky Thump, and started on a backyard that had 4 foot tall growth. Had Discovery Channel been there they would have gotten some great footage for their documentary series, Planet Earth. They could have watched the Mole, in all his manly dominance, destroy an entire eco-system.
Seriously.
During the 3 hours it took to mow and weed-eat, 4 new species of plant and 16 new species of animals were wiped off the face of the planet. The little 6hp Brigs & Stratton 22" mower cut and mulched everything in sight. Reptile arms, bug legs, and bird feathers flew in all directions, it was spectacular, and I felt quite hairy/manly as a result.
However, a strange thing happened on the way from the backyard to the garage. As The Mole made his way out the back gate, five black Hummer H2s with deep tinted windows blocked off the section of street in front of the Mole-hole (the house). Thru the barrage of pesudo-off-road-LookAtHowBigMyCockIs-yet-how-small-my-tie-
rods-are SUVs a black, deep tinted Toyota Prius pulls up, and out pops Al Gore.
Apparently, instead of being a good parent and making sure his kid wasn't out getting high and running amuck in California, he had come to scold The Mole on his mayhem and destruction in the backyard. He pulled out what had to be a $15,000 HD projector, and a portable gas generator to display all kinds of movies, charts, and graphs to show the Mole what kind of effect he was having on the natural balance of the earth. He continually made plays at my heart strings, asking for donations, and petition signatures, it was a sight indeed. The whole experience was moving, that is to say, watching all the nature footage made me want to drop trow and pinch off a turd in my front yard like a Skunk Ape, and I did. After which, I wiped with some pine cones and began to carpet bomb this douche bag and his menagerie of rent-a-cops with shit encrusted pine cones. As they fled for cover, The Mole jumped in his Jeep and did what any redneck country boy does in a Jeep, he headed for mud.
Tearing down different country roads in 2wd, the 50,000lb H2s in 4wd continually had trouble making it over small branches and stumps. Their tiny tie-rods and independent front suspensions were no match for the much more nimble and sturdy solid axled Jeep. In the end, what finally broke the back of those patchouli smelling hippies was a 4 foot deep mud hole. Of course, being in a Jeep, The Mole was able to drop it in 4lo and pull right through. Unfortunately for the Gore-whores, they didn't want to get the 20s on their "off-road" vehicles dirty. Before they left, I did manage to trap, kill, skin and grill a Giant Panda. Panda meat is good, it's reminds me small fuzzy puppy meat, especially when you chicken fry it.
In the aftermath, Gore released a statement to the AP stating, "I've seen the future of evolution, and it is Mole. That man sweats testosterone. He's so manly I'm quite positive, he's able to braid his scrot hair." When reached for comment, The Mole rebuked Gore by saying, " Braids? Shit, more like dreadlocks......."
Al Gore also has theories on ManBearPig
The Mole is officially over the rain, he's sick of it. Luckily though, there was enough of a break to actually mow the lawn. This year, The Mole's goal was to try and reel in a yard that was completely killed off two years ago (thanks MSMA), and is now trying to not be over run with Dallis grass. The front yard is doing better but the back yard is literally a jungle. So Monday, during the dry season, The Mole picked up his trusty iPod, put on Icky Thump, and started on a backyard that had 4 foot tall growth. Had Discovery Channel been there they would have gotten some great footage for their documentary series, Planet Earth. They could have watched the Mole, in all his manly dominance, destroy an entire eco-system.
Seriously.
During the 3 hours it took to mow and weed-eat, 4 new species of plant and 16 new species of animals were wiped off the face of the planet. The little 6hp Brigs & Stratton 22" mower cut and mulched everything in sight. Reptile arms, bug legs, and bird feathers flew in all directions, it was spectacular, and I felt quite hairy/manly as a result.
However, a strange thing happened on the way from the backyard to the garage. As The Mole made his way out the back gate, five black Hummer H2s with deep tinted windows blocked off the section of street in front of the Mole-hole (the house). Thru the barrage of pesudo-off-road-LookAtHowBigMyCockIs-yet-how-small-my-tie-
rods-are SUVs a black, deep tinted Toyota Prius pulls up, and out pops Al Gore.
Apparently, instead of being a good parent and making sure his kid wasn't out getting high and running amuck in California, he had come to scold The Mole on his mayhem and destruction in the backyard. He pulled out what had to be a $15,000 HD projector, and a portable gas generator to display all kinds of movies, charts, and graphs to show the Mole what kind of effect he was having on the natural balance of the earth. He continually made plays at my heart strings, asking for donations, and petition signatures, it was a sight indeed. The whole experience was moving, that is to say, watching all the nature footage made me want to drop trow and pinch off a turd in my front yard like a Skunk Ape, and I did. After which, I wiped with some pine cones and began to carpet bomb this douche bag and his menagerie of rent-a-cops with shit encrusted pine cones. As they fled for cover, The Mole jumped in his Jeep and did what any redneck country boy does in a Jeep, he headed for mud.
Tearing down different country roads in 2wd, the 50,000lb H2s in 4wd continually had trouble making it over small branches and stumps. Their tiny tie-rods and independent front suspensions were no match for the much more nimble and sturdy solid axled Jeep. In the end, what finally broke the back of those patchouli smelling hippies was a 4 foot deep mud hole. Of course, being in a Jeep, The Mole was able to drop it in 4lo and pull right through. Unfortunately for the Gore-whores, they didn't want to get the 20s on their "off-road" vehicles dirty. Before they left, I did manage to trap, kill, skin and grill a Giant Panda. Panda meat is good, it's reminds me small fuzzy puppy meat, especially when you chicken fry it.
In the aftermath, Gore released a statement to the AP stating, "I've seen the future of evolution, and it is Mole. That man sweats testosterone. He's so manly I'm quite positive, he's able to braid his scrot hair." When reached for comment, The Mole rebuked Gore by saying, " Braids? Shit, more like dreadlocks......."
Al Gore also has theories on ManBearPig
