Pardon The Interruption, but I'm Stone Douglas

Hi, I’m Stone, and I’m Mole’s son, cute huh?

Stone is a bit of an odd name but at least he and mom, P, gave me a reasonable middle name unlike those pretentious cockholster movie stars that name their kids “Apple”, or “Pilot Inspektor”.Hell, they probably use iPhones and sign each text with, “sent from my iPhone.As a child of the new millennium I don’t hate people that use iPhones.They’re cool gadgets and I’m sure my dad would have one if his corporate discount worked with Apple’s phone and data plan, but those people who don’t turn their auto sig off on iPhones deserved to be beaten with my shriveled and dried umbilical cord, douche bags.

So, a little about me, I’m 10 days old, and LOVE milk, thanks mom.My favorite thing to do currently is crap immediately after my dad sticks the last tab of my diaper down.If I’m feeling really frisky I’ll piss on him the second go round, but I try to mix it up from time to time; gotta keep it fresh.I love watching the Cowboys but they’ll never win a Super Bowl with Tony Romo at the Quarterback position. Oh and Sunday following my birth the Cowboys were on a bi-week so they didn’t play.Even so, I realized that the world would be a better place if Terrell Owens would die a long painful death from syphilis.I don’t like Ed Hardy T-Shirts because I’m intelligent, and I don’t wear Affliction T-Shirts because a) being a new born I look enough like a chimpanzee, I don’t need people to think I have the intellect of one and b) I don’t have muscles, like 99.9% of the people wearing them.

I watch NASCAR with dad but I watch it for the wrecks, which kind of pisses him off.My dad is a cool guy and all but this NASCAR thing just doesn't fit with anything else in his life.I guess everyone is weird in some form or fashion, hell, he tells me that people think Oprah is a good person, right? Talk about a walking talking pile of first baby poop.She’s a corporate puppet, selling Tom Cruise, mental therapy, and countless other needless crap to fat, worthless, soulless, mindless women who also watch Sex and the City, cows. Speaking of animals, I think all Eagles fans are Baboons that learned to talk.

I also think Obama stole “Yes We Can” from Dora the Explorer.

So to sum it all up, I’m here people, get used to me.I hope to meet all of you one day, and if you’re lucky, I’ll piss on you too.

Stone Douglas

Times They Be A Changin'

No, this is not a political entry. Politics are sports for dorks, and if you call yourself a Democrat or a Republican you've simply bought into the prepackaged drivel that the media outlets spew, not to mention the lies of spam that keep filling the Mole's fucking inbox. Here's a tip, if it's related to how fucking stupid Sarah Palin is, or how fucking Muslim Barak Obama is, then Mole don't give two shits about it. He would rather watch bloody midget porn than read what you fucking sheep keep sending along. Also check snopes before you forward. With as much of this bullshit the Mole keeps getting it really makes me think that anyone who believes any of it should be banned for life from voting. There isn't a dime's worth of difference between either of them. Both parties, and their candidates are made of people that are independently wealthy, that's why they don't have to work a job like you and the Mole. That's why they can afford to campaign, and in the end they're just going to look after their rich friends. Middle America is going to get a tax cut? Big fucking deal! The taxes the rich will have to incur will be visited back onto us in the goods their companies sell to us. With Bush out, the war will end, right? Keep believing that you fucking tree hugger, and by the way your plug in car will coming soon as well. Trust me, the Mole works in the defense industry, war is never over. The Mole's advice is to get out and vote for the person you think is going to help you provide for you and yours the best. All this idealistic garbage is just that.

To the real issue, the Mole is going to be a daddy........................................................

That's right, a baby, and the due date is December 2nd. The Mole hasn't written about it because he didn't want to jinx things, but as it turns out it wouldn't have mattered in the end, more on that later. So we found back in March, and the summer has been great. P's health has been great, and were able to get the nursery up and running. New paint, closest doors, furniture, drapes, fan, the whole nine yards. However, about 4 weeks ago it all took a bit of a turn. Prior to the pregnancy P had some minor blood pressure issues, and through two/thirds of all this everything seemed fine. However, the bp has been climbing and P has been on bed rest. we're nearly to 36 of the 40 weeks, and it looks like we're going to try to and hold out until the 38th week to deliver. It's some scary stuff, and the last few weeks have been like hell. New doors have been opening to the DI level in the old softball career, the 9-5 gig is still going strong, and yet even with all that, the wife and the baby are consuming my life. Chances are everything will be fine but the reality of it all is that her life and his life are on the line.

His name will be, Stone Douglas. That's right, The Mole will be grooming a new degenerate bitches!

So that's the reason my blogs are so few and far between this past year. After my grandfather's passing last December, and the marital struggles of the best of the Mole's friend's, along with the new addition coming soon times are truly changing. The old mind has been cluttered and I really haven't spent much time being inspired to write anything. I'm sure though that documenting my change from general drunken asshole to general drunken asshole of a dad will be a path we can all travel together in the blog. So anyway, if you pray, pray. If you pour some out for your homies, get to pouring. The next few weeks are going to be trying, but soon the Mole will be up to elbows in dirty diapers, and piss stained shirts from the boy's hog.

Speaking of that! The day we had our second sonogram and they were able to determine the sex of the boy, Co-Ray's wife was with us. You may remember her from the River Trip '08. She didn't speak muc,h but at the moment the tech got down to see what the kid was going to be Co-Ray's wife said, and I quote, "OH MY GOD, THAT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS!". Co-Ray's wife works as a nurse in the neonatal unit and Baylor medical center. She's good with the kids and stuff and being a 30 year old woman, the size of my boy's hog made her scream. I'm sure there will be plenty of times the kid will make the old man proud, but that was the first and I'll never forget it. 3 lbs. 80zs, 3 pounds of which are hog........

Ladies........????????

Norv Turner, Chargers Fans, And The University Of Washington Can Eat A Dick

Ok, so we all know that the Mole is an official, and all that, it's not news to anyone who reads his blog. So, he just wants to qualify his remarks with that statement before we move forward.

Ed Hochuli, if you're a football fan, you know who this guy is even if you don't know the name. He's the only white hat on the Pro Level who isn't built like Sebastian Janikowski. Anyway, if you had polled the 32 NFL teams on Saturday and asked them who the best official in their league is, this name would have fallen from their self-righteous mouths time after time. The man's pedigree is impeccable; five conference championships, 2 Super Bowls, as well as numerous regular season games, playoff contests, not to mention his early stints at the high school and college level (Big Sky, Pac-10). The man has the experience, and the ability. This past weekend during a game between the Broncos, and the Chargers, Hochuli made was is the widely considered to be a cardinal sin in football circles, he had an inadvertent whistle. Denver's Quarterback fumbled the ball with his arm rising to go into a throwing motion. Hochuli ruled it an incomplete pass and whistled the play dead just as a San Diego player recovered the loose ball. The end result, after review, was that the ball was indeed a fumble, but since the ball was blown dead prior to the defense's recovery; the ball, by rule, is awarded to the last team in possession; in this case, the offense. Denver went on to score a touch down, and subsequent 2 point conversion for the win.

Personally, I know how this feels, I've done it. Every man who as put on the stripes has done it, and if you haven't you're either too big of a pussy to admit it, or you recently started. Rest assured, your time is coming. Unfortunately for Ed Hochuli, his game was on the national stage, in the biggest league in the land. But, shit happens. It's not the first time I've seen this during an NFL game, or at any other level for that matter, and so what that it did? Charger's fans are in an uproar over what exactly, that they lost the game? The final score was 39-38, that's right 77 points. If a team puts 39 points on the board, you don't deserve to win, number one. And lets not forget the fact that the team doing all the bitching is a franchise, that pins it's hopes around one man, LaDainian Tomlinson. This is a franchise that's the epitome of NFL wanna-be with one Super Bowl appearance in which they were completely dominated by Steve Young and the San Francisco 49ers. They traded away last years Super Bowl winning quarterback and MVP Eli Manning and hired Norv Turner for a head coach (69-87 life time record through 2007). Do they honestly expect Tomlinson to lead them to the promised land after this recent history of team mismanagement? The boy is a Texan and all, but even as good player as him can't snuff out the loosing funk that surrounds this team, their front office, and coaching staff. As far as I'm concerned, the missed call is just par for the course with this bunch of perennial losers. Plus, lets not forget that their "vaunted" defense gave up 486 total yards of offense and 5 touch downs, the last of which came on 4th down and didn't put the Broncos ahead. The succeeding play, a successful two point conversion attempt, was the go ahead score. The Chargers had 60 minutes to stop the Broncos, and didn't. Then, to top it all off, Darren Sproles wastes 4 seconds on a return to the 18 he could have downed in the end-zone for no time, and a free spot on the 20. The Chargers also failed to move within field goal range with 24 seconds and a time out left. The Mole has no sympathy. Those douche bags from Whale's Vagina, can eat a fat dick. They had time, and opportunity, they squandered it, and no one call by an official made the difference. It's called defense, play it.

As for Washington, and the 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct foul that pushed their extra point attempt back, which was subsequently blocked; big deal. Again, we're talking about a team who hasn't won an outright conference title since 1991. This is also a team that has gone 44-52 this decade, which saw the firing of a coach wrapped up in gambling accusations, not to mention the hiring of Tyrone Willingham who's record of under-achieving, even at the historical power house program of Notre Dame has been well documented. So lets go through the series of events in this game. Washington, down by seven and with less than 10 seconds, scores with two seconds left on the clock. The Quarterback launches the ball in the air in celebration, and the refs assess a 15 yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct. The extra point is blocked, and BYU runs the clock out for a 28-27 win. The old saying, "act like you've been there before", applies when you view this play, that's what winners do. Also, for those who say the 15 yards affected the point after try THAT much are out of your goat smellin' minds. After the penalty we're talking a 32 or 33 yard try here, right? To quote Dan Hawkins, the coach of Colorado, "This is Division I football", "It ain't intramurals!". This is a D-1 kicker who can't make an 30 yard kick? I think their recruiting needs to be addressed because again, that one call didn't make the difference, playing a group of winners (BYU is currently a top 25 team) did. Winner's win, and losers loose. Welcome to world of sports Huskies fans, and eat a dick.

What bothers The Mole the most are two things, one for each game. The pro game issue is simple, Nor Turner is a loser of a head coach. He's in over his head, and has been at every stop he hasn't been a coordinator, the numbers don't lie. For him to say that the call was unacceptable and that, he expects more at the top level of play, makes me wonder why he only called out the official. Why not call out defensive players and the coaches? Hell, why not call out himself as well for not preparing his team to play an adequate game of defense? Why should Ed Hochuli have to be perfect when it's obvious that Norv Turner, his coaching staff, and his team wasn't. Losers lay blame, winners just sack up and stop someone, so Norv Turner, eat a dick. For those who think the ref was out of line, and should have used better judgment on the call at the end of the Washington/BYU game, it's simple here too. The book specifically calls out what the kid did. In Rule 9 it plainly states that players can be flagged for unsportsmanlike acts including "throwing the ball high into the air". What the talking heads at ESPN and all over the sports world have failed to mention is who writes the rules. The refs don't, hell there are rules The Mole hates to enforce, but they don't pay us to like them, they pay us to enforce them. The NCAA rules committee, is made up of representatives from the various conferences at all levels of play, and they are the ones that write the book. The coaches write the rules book, the coaches write the rules book, the coaches write the rules book; period. They are the ones who put that stupid fucking rule in there, and we are instructed to make that call, it's what they want. No one blames Colonel Paul Tibbets for dropping Little Boy over Hiroshima during Special Mission 13, it's always America that dropped the bomb. He did what he was told to do, just like that crew did during the Washington BYU game. Blame the rules committee for a stupid rule, but don't blame the refs for doing what they're told to do.

What those of us in the officiating world have come to realize is that we're the only people on the field expected to be perfect. Pampered prima donnas are idolized, yet they continue to drop passes, fumble balls, miss tackles, and get paid millions for it. As officials, we're expected to be perfect, and take an onslaught of abuse if "the royal we" screw you're team. So, tell you what, put on a uniform and try doing what "we" do, at the level "we" do it. Until then, you can all eat a dick.

Respectfully,

Mole

Yew Mite Be Uh Redneck

So, the Mole was flipping through his desk calendar today that he got for Christmas from his grandmother. 365 Days of Redneck jokes probably not written by Jeff Foxworthy. Anyway, seeing that we've been through nearly eight months, coupled with the fact that the Mole lives in Taxes, Taxass, or Tixas, or whatever the preferred pronunciation is; there have been a few that have paralleled the Mole's own life. However, today was a special day. Upon ripping off the page from August 20th, the joke for the 21st read, "Your children's night light is a neon beer sign".

Back in the ole' college days (Jesus, has it nearly been 10 years since I graduated?), the Mole was an active member in a fraternity. He made some really good friends, but also ran across many a broke ass motherfucker that sucked money out of the government for fucking cheese fries and stole my beer.......sorry. Anyway, the Mole was not one. Even though the Mole's parents footed the bill for school and books (thanks ya'll), the Mole was left on his own for car payments, insurance, food, clothing, and entertainment. The Mole worked two jobs all through his college career though and he's probably a better man for it. However, with that extra money came extra disdain for those broke bastards that were constantly bumming beer, and seemed to never think about filling out a job application. How can you fight this injustice Mole? Well sir, he's glad you asked........Schlitz......the beer,not the malt liquor, though the Mole does love him some Edward 40 Hands.

Schlitz beer, "The Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous", was the cheap beer of choice in those days. Schlitz was a huge working class beer back in the 60s, so much so that the Mole's dad speaks of drinking it High school chilling his cooler with rock salt to make it COLD. Anyway, the beer kind of went away in the 70s but has been making a small comeback lately as a small run specialty brew through the Pabst brewing company. In college, the Mole could pick up a case for $8 bucks, and not only that, when some sorry bag of dicks would try to steal your beer at a party, NO ONE wanted to drink Schlitz, until like 4am. By that time, I was so drunk, I couldn't care less.

So, the Mole has an affinity for all things Schlitz, and even bought a neon sign off a guy for $25 bucks about 6 years ago. It simply has the Schlitz logo, in red neon and lights up perfectly. It hung in the spare bedroom of the Mole Hole for years until recently when P HAD to have that room as the nursery for a Mole spawn. The joke reminded the Mole of the Deuce and his daughters. When they would come in town and crash back in his Dallas days, and even now that the boy is an inner looper, he still finds time to beat the highway, come to the country, and visit with the girls. The most recent trip with his daughters was in the spring and when it was time for bed they curled up and asked for their night light to be turned on. That's right, since they were both little, they crashed in the Mole's bedroom and slept to the soft lighting of the Schlitz brewing company.

Stay Classy

Milk Was A Bad Choice

So, for those of you that don't know, the Mole is going to be a dad. Yes yes, after nearly 2 years, P agreed to consummate our marriage *pumps fist "YES!"*, and the result is going to lead to a Mole spawn on December 2nd.

The Mole started trading e-mails with a buddy who we'll refer to as Mississippi today. Mississippi and the Mole have a lot in common; We both get stupid drunk, we're both extremely hairy/manly, we're both gluttons for punishment as we both married red heads, and we're both expecting what we think to be our first kids around beginning of December. Anyway, the following is the e-mail traffic from today:

Mole: The Deuce told us about you guys, and I haven't said congrats to you on your little one coming. When are you guys due, and have you found out what it is yet?
Miss: Congrats to you as well. We found out last Tuesday that it is a girl. It is due Dec. 11th. We are up in the air about dna tests…… When is yours due, and have you found out what it is?
Mole: That's awesome man. We're due on December 2nd, and we find out on the 10th what it is. P wants a girl, I want a boy, she wants it to have red hair, and I could care less as long as it doesn't come out blonde, then I'll be pissed. Things are going to change soon man.
Miss: They are already starting to change…..fixin to get real crazy though…..no sleep and no going out……leaving for the weekends are a thing of the past…….I do want to see if the milk tastes like sweet corn juice though…………..
Mole: Wow, I'm speechless, and thirsty.

I'M BATMAN

So, this past weekend everyone went to P's dad's new place to check out the house and have father's day. It's a bit of strange event as we don't see P's dad that often, even though he lives about 40 minutes away. So, as always, Adam tried to be nice the whole time, but the Mole managed to rear his head at one opportune moment.

*Batman commercial on TV, kids and tons of noise in the background*

Co-Ray: Man, I think that Batman movie is going to be good, i can't wait to see it.
Adam: *Oh man, noooooo, don't say it! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!*
Mole: Yeah man, it does look cool, but I hear Heath Ledger dies in the end.
*Total Silence from everyone in the room*
Mole: Seriously, I don't think he's going to be in the next movie.

Slow-pitch Softball: Where Adults, Chimps, And Retards Are Equal

So, last night The Mole had to go do a few slow-pitch softball games. The Mole figured, sure why not. He'll just take the extra money to Vegas next week to blow on some table, plus my assigner was in a pinch and The Mole always helps out his friends. Anyway, through the course of the night, The Mole finds out one thing; there is a reason why he hasn't called a slow-pitch game in 3 years. Calling these games were like watching paint dry while getting your scrot hair pulled out by a 95 year old man with Palsy.

Batting:

SLOW-PITCH SOFTBALL IS TEE-BALL FOR ADULTS!!!!!!!!!! Hitting in slow-pitch softball is probably as easy as banging Lindsay Lohan if you have an eight ball. You see, the ball comes in with a rainbowed arch......slowly. Yet 5 people last night struck out looking, and 6 others struck out swinging, SWINGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Mole had never seen anything like it, not to mentioned the blatant stupidity and ignorance for the rules shown by these mongoloid, downs afflicted morons playing. This message is for the blonde with the nice athletic body but the Mr. Ed/Kentucky Derby face. Tie does not go to the runner, ever. Check out this entry from 2006 and keep that Julia Roberts horse mouth shut, we'll all be better off.

Catching/Throwing:

In the Special Olympics slow-pitch is an event the kids can compete in. This is a sport so simple and so easy to play that it is deemed acceptable for those with mental and physical impairments to compete. I'm sure which ever team won it all last year would have beaten the piss out of one adult team from last night. 25 run inning. I'll let that sink in a bit.......................................................................25 run inning. Because these people can't seem to do fundamental things that should have been learned before the age of 10 they allowed a team to post 25 runs in one half inning. The physical ineptitude of these "players" reached such an all time low that The Mole is certain a Special Olympian with a baby arm and and deer paw for a hand could out throw and catch each of them.

Comportment:

There was none, it got the point that the only way The Mole was going to deal with it was make excitement for himself. So, he started blowing calls on purpose. It didn't matter, these people sucked. Why should they expect anything more form the officials on the field? Funny thing was though, no one argued. Every play The Mole purposefully called got wrong just to stir the hornets nest brought nothing but lady bugs and rainbows. It was almost surreal.

Epilogue:

I hate slow-pitch softball. At least with the little girls, they're supposed to be bad. Here it's just sad to watch grown adults waste good money embarrassing themselves. I don't want to call these games, and they should save their money paying us to call the games. It's a waste of my time and their money.