Birthin' Babies - Britney Update

Looks like the AP has picked up the whole Britney Sculpture thing I had a blog posting about a few days back. Click here to fulfill your lactiferous jones.

I've Been Scratched

Well, they say there are two kinds of officials in this world; those that a school has scratched, and those who have yet to be scratched by a school. Well, I entered the "scratched" ranks of a particular High School this past week. For those of you that don't officiate, that means I am no longer allowed to call at this school. Now I'm forced to ask myself the question why? Why did this coach feel the need to scratch me? What did I do to make her pull the trigger? Why do I care?

Looking back on the game, it was pretty uneventful. The coach in question won, and I really had no hard calls to make. However there were three instances where she had to come out of the dugout and question my call. The first two were for the call "illegal pitch". It's the softball equivalent to a balk, and there are several different things that can occur for a pitch to be illegal. My call was made simply for what is known as the "Leap". In the Federation book (High School Rule Book) a leap is defined under Rule 2, Article 4, Section 33: "A Leap is when both feet are airborne by the pitcher prior to delivering the pitch", easy right? Slow down there cowboy, not when you coach in North East Texas, and you pitched for a junior college whose acceptance policy is that you have a tongue ring, and can dance to euro-trash techno while contorting your hands holding glow sticks. This stupid heifer wants to pull out the old "she's not gaining any advantage" line on me too. You know, if she wasn't gaining an advantage then why would the National Federation of State High School Associations have it in their book? Is it their contempt for trees? Do they feel the need to print insignificant shit just to waste paper? No, It's a rule you tard, get used to it.

So this call gets levied on her a few more times and she is none to happy with the old Mole. That's fine, she's not the first coach to be upset with me and she won't be the last. But, I'm doing my job, I'm doing it well, and her players are cheating. It's as simple as that.

It gets better though. Later in the game we have a steal and the defender is blocking the runner’s access to the bag. The runner slides into the defender; the defender catches the ball, and puts a tag down. Me, I rule "dead ball" give the signal for delayed dead-ball, verbalize "OBSTRUCTION" and rule the runner safe. This call however doesn't sit well with coach, so she calls time and waddles her fat ass across the field to question my call....again. "Blue, I have to appeal this one. She got the tag on before the runner reached the base, you totally missed it". To which I responded, "Coach I'm not going to disagree with you but this runner is safe as a result of the obstruction". She then proceeds to do what all professional coaches do, she rolls her eyes like she's lacking a constant flow of oxygen to her brain, and stomps back to the dugout. Does she ask me for a rule interpretation, does she ask what I saw and why I ruled what I did? No, panting because she had to remove her gelatinous can off that damn ball bucket, she just drags herself back to the dugout. No other comments, no words exchanged the rest of the game, and following day, I'm scratched. Again, to quote the book, Rule 2-Article 4-Section 36:

"Obstruction is the act of the defensive team member that hinders or impedes a batter's attempt to make contact with a pitched ball or that impedes the progress of a runner or batter-runner who is legally running the bases, unless the fielder is in possession of the ball or is fielding a batted ball. The act may be intentional or unintentional, physical or verbal."

For those of you not following along, defender had no ball, blocked bag, runner slides into defender, defender catches ball, and tags runner before runner reaches base successfully. I understand that the collegiate knowledge base of this coach is the same as average Dallas stripper, but how could she be upset about this call?

I've been stewing on this for a few days, and there are two things I find upsetting. One, if you're a coach, don't come to me arguing a call when you haven't spent the time and effort to read the damn book. The thing isn't really long, and it's not Homer. It's easy to comprehend the first time through. Secondly, if you're an official, grow a proverbial pair, let them drop, and make the call. Some of you are so eff’n scared of a coach it's laughable. They're just people, like us. By not making that call you're doing a disservice not only to your fellow official who comes in behind you making that call, but to the girls playing, and the integrity of the game. Because of the ineptitude of a coach that is either illiterate, or should work on her reading comprehension; and my fellow officials that won't make the hard call because they don't know to, or because they're a pussy, I'm scratched.

Oh and one other thing, to her red-neck dad that uses "cain't" and can't seem to pronounce the 'G' in the 'ing' suffix, you sucked when you called ball. You didn't have the sack for the job and that's why you quit. Do us all a favor and quit trying to recite rules you didn't know 5 years ago and have changed since you pussied out of calling.

I'll be working toward my college try out while you're trying to keep your daughter from dating "them boys"

Clown

BRITNEY SPEARS - NUDE!!!

So, maybe it's ironic to mention Britney Spears and art in the same sentence but the following link takes to you to an artist's "Monument to Pro-Life". Though this may not be the way many of us guys (and some you fine ladies) wanted to see Mrs. Federline naked, I had to share this corner of the net when I read:

"Natural aspects of Spears’ pregnancy, like lactiferous breasts and protruding naval, compliment a posterior view that depicts widened hips for birthing and reveals the crowning of baby Sean’s head."

Disclaimer: This is in no way a reflection of the Mole's view on the "pro-life/pro-choice" issue, only a slight affinity for the word "lactiferous".

Assholes Invade Dallas!!!!!

I refuse to comment about their other new player for fear of swallowing wrong, but it now seems the Dallas Cowboys are attempting to corner the market on every douche-bag in the NFL.

In a statement released by the Cowboys; next week they plan on raping your mom, and shooting your dog.

Fix Your Computer, Get Free Music

For those of you that haven't been following the lawsuit against Sony BMG with their Digital Rights Management System (DRM), it's over, and Sony lost. The thing is, I'm betting a lot of people don't know how to submit claims. Hell, I've been following this thing since the beginning and I didn't know how. Lucky for us the fine folks at Electronic Frontier Foundation have provided a link for easy access to Sony's claim form.

People, this is important. Review these lists and send back your CDs. This lawsuit has set the ground work to help keep our lives safe in the digital age. The root-kit software that is installed from these CDs not only limits what you can do with the music you RIGHTFULLY OWN, but also makes your computer vulnerable to hacking attacks.

Since I knew what I was getting when I bought the 4 CDs that have this malicious software on them I was able to bypass it, but I'm sure many of you didn't know, and hopefully this will help

UNITE!

The Austin Experience

The Mole is tired, not mentally just physically. It's been a long time since I've done this kind of marathon drinking. Who would have thought that you could ingest this much alcohol trying to watch high school basketball?

This weekend's trip to Austin to watch the boy’s high school championship tournament was fun and strange. Everyday presented a new experience, a new challenge, and on occasion, new friends. Though the Deuce, Dub-C, and I managed to stay out of trouble most of the time, all while keeping our alcohol level above the legal limit, the experiences we had will be things I'll never forget.

I'm going to elaborate later but to tease a bit, here is a list of things overheard throughout the weekend.

*Judge, your sausage is great.

*Taj has put on 80lbs since Van Wilder.

*Are you looking for the really intoxicated guy that we found curled up in some guy’s doorway, passed out?

*Talk slow, I'm with the police.

*I'm trying to stay out of the drunk tank, and you guys go to Brokeback Mountain?

*We've got a situation, we're a man heavy.

*My manager says you're cut off, but don't worry, I'll still serve you.

Further: Raise your hand if you've ever been cut off at 1:30pm...

*Come pick me up, I'm on the corner of Hippie and Pot Smoker.

*I swallowed wrong.

*My Bus doesn't go the Erwin Center, but if you toss your beers I'll take you.

*My son....(insert dad living vicariously comments here)

*Lets order every flavor of margarita they have

*Can't have kids, low sperm count, small sack, all cock

*(talking on the phone) Yeah, we're at an asian bath house. Flea just puked, we're singing karaoke, and about to get happy endings, where are you?

Cheerleaders? Only the ASU ones matter

I'm sure many of you have all seen the Southern Illinois cheerleader who fell during a half-time performance. During her routine, trying to ignite fire into the "Saluki" faithful, in attendance at the Conference Finals for the Men's Missouri Valley Conference Basketball Tournament; she fell, hurt herself, and while being wheeled off on a stretcher moved her arms in the cheer motion to what I guess was the fight song that was being played.

I'm sick of it, and all the sports show's covering it.

Is this really news? I mean we've got Duke getting their ass handed to them on a regular basis the past few weeks. Gonzaga can only seem to squeak out wins against middle school B teams. Digger Phelps is picking Texas as his “Dark Horse” to win it all this year. The selections for the NCAA's are right around the corner and THIS is what's coming out of all the sports news outlets posing as college basketball news. What a load of bull-butter.

This cheerleader means about as much to the NCAA sports world as Nicholas Sparks means to creative writing.

Personally there is only ONE NCAA cheerleader that has any kind of merit in my life, and thanks to the fine people at The M Zone you too can now get to know her. Ms. Courtney Cox or Courtney Simpson as she's sometimes credited has now broken out of the confines of the high moral standard that all ladies of the Pac-10 adhere to, and is staring is such fine films as Double Dutch, 2-on-1 #22 - Oral Antics, and Vault of Whores.

If you ask me ole' Courtney is getting the shaft. She should be the one with a spread in the sport's section. I honestly can't believe more journalists haven't jumped on her story, but I for one am not gong to let her go down like that.

Seriously, Cheerleaders, Drill Teams and Marching Bands are like court jesters. They're there to simply fill in holes while the real entertainment is on a break (half-time, time outs). The water boys are more important than these nondescript ninnies are. Without water-boys, who would keep the real athletes hydrated to actually compete?

Cheerleaders and the like are carnie sideshows that should be happy that there are actual team sports around to give them a purpose in life. Without football, basketball, and the like, these young women would be forced to simply have sex with our top athletes without a cute fetish uniform to wear.

Now, don't let the Mole fool you, I don't mind cheerleaders at games, but I would like to see something orginal. Maybe teams could hire Skank from The Crow? He'd be way better than pom-pom's being waived to Gary Glitter tunes.

Fire it Up! Fire it Up!

The Deuce

I'm not sure if any of you read my previous post about my buddy Deuce, but when he's had enough, he's had enough. Check it out here.

Well it seems he's had enough, again. This is pulled directly from his e-mail, only the names are changed.

I have a new bit with homeless people. There's this hobo who hangs out at my local Starbucks who always is asking for change, and when people ignore him, he gets visibly irritated. Occasionally he makes a remark. Very uncomfortable, and I wish they'd just run him off. Anyway, this morning I see him coming up to the car when I'm getting out. Before he can say anything, I quickly started in:


Deuce: Hey dude, can you spare me a buck for some coffee?
Hobo: (looking very confused) uhhhh, I was going to ask the same thing.
D: (acting like I didn't hear him answer acting very impatient) Well, can you?
Hobo: Nah, I'm broke, pal.
D: Greedy bastard. All you people are just alike.

Now here is where my blog tries, and will probably fail, to become interactive. I know people are stopping in and reading (because I'm tracking it) so lets hear about everyone's funny bum stories. It could be something like this or just any remarkable experience you've had with bums.

This is your chance people, I get tired of entertaining all by myself. Get off your lazy ass and put some thoughts on the proverbial paper.

Feel Good Story

There are some people that actually don't like my blog. Some people have made the statement that it's "vulgar". Personally, I don't know what the fuck they're talking about, but maybe they'll read this and get a warm fuzzy.

So, the Mole doesn't usually celebrate the "feel good story". That can be saved for the drones that watch that media whore Oprah. However, I'm going to make an exception here for what some have said is the only part of my life that doesn't fit "me"; NASCAR. Clicking here will take you to an article about Elliott Sadler; the driver of the #38 M&M sponsored Ford Fusion and his buddies. It's the story about how he flew some buddies out to Vegas to hang out with him while his team was testing for the race that will be held there next week. Well, they hit the jack-pot on a slot machine to the tune of $100,000, and a Care-Bear rode in on a Unicorn and gave them their winnings in cute little solid gold butterflies.

I hate feel good stories.

The thing I do find humorous is how that scene must have played out. You see, Sadler has a very thick accent. Honestly I'd compare him to Brad Pitt's Pikey character in Snatch. His thick Virginia drawl gets so bad that when he does television interviews I swear that, for some people, the networks should put up subtitles. So just imagine 4 of his buddies from back home. 4 guys that probably haven’t been to classes on how to speak to the media (like Sadler). It must have been a whirl-wind of rubber boots, overalls, and backy spit. I'm sure that the only reason they weren't shot by hotel security is because they probably all had handle-bar mustaches and weren't wearing robes. Aside from that, the nearest pit boss would have been diving for cover thinking some fanatical Muslims were about to start shooting up the joint Jihad style.

Anyway, enough of that, have you seen the Bounce-O-Meter?

The Shock Absorber

The Mole doesn't have many weaknesses outside of free alcohol, loose women, and large boobs.

Large boobs have been my achilles heel for some time, and now our genius friends from across the pond have developed a new way to exploit my weakness, while holding the "girls" back during a vigorous workout. It's called the "Shock Absorber" sports bra and you can watch a demonstration by clicking here. I suggest every red blooded male with working plumbing check this out. It's almost as good as that first time you saw a Playboy.

As a side note, this company gets bonus points for calling their website the Bounce-O-Meter.

Can life get better?

Bode Miller

If you're like me, you're tired of this guy. Bode Miller, the "rebel" who, as the pre-Olympic toast of the town, seemed to grace every magazine cover and was force feed to us through the Nike ad juggernaut. After loosing everything he entered, his interviews were slanted to the, I just came here to have fun angle. Sell all you want Bode, but I'm not buying. Most everyone knows that I love PTI and to use one of their favorite sound bites "You play to win the game". Thanks Herm Edwards, that's what I think too. Why bother going to Italy if you're just trying to have a good time. Just stay in Colorado, drink and ski you clown. Do what the rest of us commoners do when we go skiing. Don't take up my precious TV programming time watching you lose when I could be watching The Office, and My Name is Earl. Though the Winter Olympics amount about as much to the sports landscape as I do the Calvin Klien underwear modeling campaign, this can be likened to the flop of the last "Dream Team".

I hope this guy just falls off the face of the earth but I doubt I'll be that lucky, so instead of having to refer to him as Bode Miller, I'm going to associate his name with another potentially great "C" sport athlete that never realized his full potential; Roy Munson. Henceforth I will refer to Miller as Munson. He deserves it, he worked hard for it.


"What is it about going O-Fer in all of your events that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger."

Cali sucks

NASCAR goes to Cali, the fans go to sleep.

I can't comment much on the race as both my dad and I sleep through all but first and last 50 laps. I really didn’t think anything could get as boring as last week's race but the single file racing at California is about like watching a Zach Braf movie.

I would like to give a quote of the race but I sleep through it all so I have nothing. I did read a good series of lines from Dale Jr. to his Crew Chief Tony Jr. so I'll give it to him.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: "Yeaaaahhh! I'm the lucky dog! I saw Martin [Truex Jr.] coming in behind me and I thought I was going to have to race for it."
Tony Eury Jr.: "Uhh, Junebug, you're not even close to being a lap down."
Dale Jr.: "What's going on, am I a lap down?"
Tony Jr.: "No, we're on the lead lap. We're 17th, and there are 26 cars on the lead lap."
Dale Jr.: "Oh, I saw that 1 next to my number on the board, and I got nervous because it said there I'm a lap down."
Tony Jr.: "Yeah, that's because nobody is clicking off their deals when they come around. The leaders were so far ahead from the field, I guess it got a little confusing."

NASCAR needs to go back to "The Rock".

Alpha Gamma Rho

Well, I'm speechless. I have no idea what to say about this story, but for those of us that always wondered about the AGR's when you were in college, this pretty much confirmed my suspicions.

Daytona

Just finished the Daytona 500. I'm a little behind but I had a softball meeting today and had to watch the last 2 hours via TIVO. There were 2 things that really stood out, and one was Jamie MacMurray in the #26 Ford Crown Royal car. The way he drove that race you’d have thought he had a late night with Canada's finest. This guy spent the entire race running into the rear of every car in front of him. And, you know, I realize that in plate racing you have to "bump draft", but bump drafting is different than running through the car in front of you. That little SOB needs to calm down. Speaking of calming down Tony Stewart should revisit his comments of the previous Sunday. This guy made the bold statement that in another 5 years they'd be commemorating another death with the way guys are driving at Daytona. Of course he was referencing the death of Dale Earnhardt, but in the race, the guy tried to wreck two different guys on the track and had a close call with a third. To be honest, I like Tony. He's won me over the past few years with his honesty and if you ask me was positioning himself to be that rough around the edges winner that everyone respected and fear, not unlike Dale Sr. However when he had the opportunity to man up, to say and do the right things, he tried to pass the buck; be a leader Tony. In the post race interview this guy totally pulled a Payton tossing all the blame darts at other people.

Jr. had a pretty good race. He led the most laps, and after the running order shook out from a wreck on the last lap he wound up 8th. With his bonus points from leading a lap and leading the most laps (5+5) he'll be 6th over all in the points. What pisses me off is that you have arguably the best restrictor plate driver on the track, and with 2 laps left he jumps out of line and tries to win and no one will go with him for draft help. This situation sucks because this is the biggest race of the year, and he and those behind him had a run. However, all of theses fucking sissies sit in line content to go home in 6th, 7th or 8th. If NASCAR wants better racing they should penalize these drivers for being a bunch of pussies. I mean if this is the way the rest of season is going to play out I might as well watch baseball and those prima donnas that go on the IR for 3 weeks because of a hang nail.

Quote of the race goes to Dale Jr. With 2 laps left he's talking on his scanner to his crew about the engine.

"This thing is like an old man. Every once in a while it'll wake up and want to run."

Keep trying to win Jr., it's only a matter of time.

AHHHHHHHHHH NASCAR

In the dog days of summer, after the NFL has finished, it's nice to have NASCAR to watch instead of the tepid "competition" that is stand-around (MLB).

The Busch Series race at Daytona just finished and Jr. did well. His crew made one bad decision at the end that kept him from competing for the win, but the race was very exciting when there were less than 10 laps to go. Big kudos to Michael Waltrip, Dale Jr., and Tony Stewart at the end. These 3 guys went 3 wide too lead the field without wrecking. It goes to show how good racecar drivers can do exciting things without tearing up thousands of dollars of equipment.

Quote of the race goes to recently retired Rusty Wallace, former driver of the #2 Miller Lite Dodge, and now owner of the #64 Top Flight Dodge in the Busch Series.

"We've got a lot of problems today, but beer and golf balls ain't one of them"

Nice.

HEYYYY YOUUUUU GUYYYYYYYSSSSSSS!!!!!!

Well, this past weekend I've been laid up sick. Friday I had nearly a 103 fever and thought I was going to die. Consequently I didn't post or work on Friday or Monday. It "all encompassingly" sucked but with the antibiotics and the codine cough syrup(yum), I'm feeling better, and I won my home poker game this weekend. Yes me and friends are Hold 'em lemmings Fuck off.

So, I get this phone message from my buddy yesterday. Because of what he does we'll call him "Deuce" as an alias. So as many of you have read, I seem to have a nack for picking on retards. I can compare just about anyone or anything to our limp jawed friends that poop themselves. I thought I was really a terrible person, until Deuce called. Below are the contents of his message.

Hey dude, it's DEUCE I just had a complete Adam moment and I’m calling to share with you. You'll either be very amused and flattered that I associated this moment with you, or insulted; I'm going to bet on the former.

But, I was walking into the grocery store and I couldn't find a little carrying basket, all I could find was a cart. So I asked this guy that was sitting up front where I could find one, and he just kind of muttered something and walked off. I thought to myself OK, so I waited there a minute and finally left to do my shopping. When I came back up there, this is how the conversation went down:


Guy: Hey, I was looking for you! (real angry)
Deuce: (With the manager standing there) “Alright, uhh I didn't understand you.
G: Well I looked all over for you, cause I got this basket for you, and what ever dada dada da.
D: Well you just muttered something incoherent and stormed off. I didn't know what to do, I have shopping to do.
So the manger steps in
Manager: Is there a problem?
D: Na, I got my shopping, I needed a basket, I did my shopping, I didn’t understand this guy, he just muttered something and wondered off.
M: Well sir, he has down syndrome, it would help if you'd be patient with him.
D: I’m being very patient, dude, this is not a big deal. I just had to shop, I couldn't understand him and I didn’t know what he was doing.
M: Well sir, we try to help people out and I'm sorry if he's a little slow.
D: Alright, you know what? Next time, write retarded on him and I'll be patient from the very start.

I just stormed off. He looked quiet shocked, and I figured you'd appreciate it, it's right up your alley.

Later.

Afte hearing that message, in my condition, I was laughing so hard that it was everything I could do to keep from coughing up blood. Deuce is a constant form of entertainment, and I can't wait to go to the state basketball tournament with him in March. Austin+sports+alcohol = stories.

Also, because of this story, I'd like to dedicate my favorite holiday anthem to the little guy at the store, I can never see this enough.

REDRUM

The Sydney Morning Herald is reporting that one of the world's last Stone Age tribes which lives on an island, and numbers between 50-200 people, killed a couple of fishermen when their boat landed on the tribe's island in the Indian Ocean.

It seems from further reading that these people have shunned the outside world and fire arrows at anyone who comes within range. They are actually believed to be the last pre-Neolithic tribe in the world to remain isolated and appear to have even survived the 2004 Asian Tsunami. An article written by Adam Goodheart that appeared in the American Scholar in 2000 detailed that at times they can seem friendly as in waving to passers bye, and even accepting gifts of fruits and other things from people that were brave enough to try and land on their shore. At other times in mass they would turn their back to visitors and sit on their haunches as if to defecate.

Truly these are a fascinating people and before the fishermen bought it they were able photograph these simpletons in their natural state. The camera was recovered by local authorities, the film developed, and the Mole as been given exclusive right's to present these pictures to you. From what I was told by local Anthropologists this picture was taken just before ritual male on male sodomy.

It Means Whale's Vagina

The Mole and most of his peers damn near worship Ron Burgundy. We also believe in the words of Champ Kind that "It is anchorman, not anchorlady! And that is a scientific fact." We believe these truths to be self evident, so I had to post this pic, stay classy indeed. I was thinking that another classic Ron Burgundy sign-off might be better suited for Iraq, since we all know he'll read anything that's on the teleprompter, but I'll let that rest.

To the troops, get home safe ya'll.

How Well Do You Really Know George Light?

Just as the title says, how well you really know George Light? I mean we all know him as the straight laced Commerce kid who is the spitting image of Scott Baio, right? Don't believe me, take a look at the photo evidence below.Now, normally we could dismiss this as pure coincidence but think about it; have you seen George and Scott Baio in the same room at the same time? The answer my friends is no. On top of that, you can't deny the look George gets in his eye when someone calls him Chachi, and I don't think I even have to mention the uncanny similarities in how "they" (if "they" can be considered "they") feather their hair.

To further my point we'll look at their dating history. Scotty here has pulled some of the craziest ass in Hollywood using his......well.....I'm sure he has something that's attractive to the ladies, but fuck me if I know what it is. At any rate he's put in the bag the following Hollywood starlets: Baywatch actresses Pamela Anderson, Erika Eleniak and Nicole Eggert (the latter co-starring with Baio on Charles In Charge prior to Baywatch); Natalie Raitano, Nicolette Sheridan, Brooke Shields, and Heather Locklear. As you can see, Mr. Baio "gets around". In fact, it's unbelievable what this guy can and has done. With George, well, since you're here reading this, you may be one, so I'll spare the names of those involved and just say George had fun in college. In fact, there were many times that you would hear around the KA house, "How does he do it". Exactly, how does he do it? How does Scott Baio do it? If we have to ask these question about "two" different guys I think it goes to show that there again they may actually be the same person.

How do they do it? I'd like to make this assertion.....George is a WASP, but not just any WASP, a highly evolved, or possibly mutant WASP. You can read more about it here in an article in which scientist/author Carl Zimmer talks about his findings in studying Ampulex Compressa (subject WASP). Since most of you have the attention span of my boxer I'll sum it up for you. Basically, the WASP will sting a roach in the brain and inject venom that keeps its instinct to run subdued. Then it basically makes the roach a slave to do its personal bidding.

I found the article very interesting, so much so it made me think of George and consequently Scott Baio. Then, the epiphany stuck me; they're injecting these women via their stinger with mind controlling juice. This isn't rocket science people! If you're one of the ones that are wondering just how George/Scott is doing it, it's their mind controlling stinger juice.

This makes me count my lucky stars I'm not permanently scared after that Jungle Party I woke up in a hoody, rip off basketball pants, and a leopard G-String next to a naked George Baio.

Get Off Your Knees, You're Blowing the Game

I had my first softball scrimmage last night, and as with most games, there was the no-it-all behind the fence yelling about rules. Of course, he was wrong in his "interpretation" of the rule, and I paid him no mind which is what we're taught, but on the inside it irks me.

These men and women who come to games and toss around their extensive knowledge of the rules like a chimp throwing shit completely puzzle me. Since I've been officiating sports for 10 years now (power-lifting, football, softball), I've tried to find a common denominator in who these MENSA candidates are, but the thing is, you can't. They come in all shapes and sizes, and all walks of life. There is nothing that relates one of these soft skulled buffoons to the next other than the fact that their head is probably filled with the corn picked form a well formed grunt I forgot to flush.

So, I want to dispel a few a myths and "old wives tales" for those of you that insist on enlightening the rest of the world with your rule knowledge:

• "Isn't she out of the box?"

As a matter of fact, no she probably isn't. For a batter to be out of the box, two things must occur 1) she has to have her entire foot out of the box. This means if any part of her foot is still touching the line, she's in, period. 2) If she even happens to satisfy the above criteria, then she has to make contact with the pitch for me to even get an out. There's a reason why you hardly see this called, it's just hard to accomplish


• "Tie goes to the runner!"

This is heard at least once a year, and if you believe this then it's time to thin the heard. There is no wording in the book that says "tie goes to the runner". A runner or batter/runner is either "safe" or "out". They either beat the ball to the play or they don't, it's that simple. Therefore, a tie is an out, she did not beat the ball.


• "He's face guarding!"

Welcome to the world of Texas high school football where we use the NCAA rule book, and there is no face guarding. If you want to watch football where the rules package is skewed to put the defense at an unfair disadvantage then take your comments to an NFL game.


• "He can't hit him after 5 yards"

Again, see the above post. This comment alone explains why a man majors in P.E. and roams around locker rooms full of teenage boys in showers. It also separates people into the group that, you know, eats cheese and mayo sandwiches and pays for Jimmy Buffet tickets.

So there you go, I may add to this later but for now I’m finished. Shut up about the rules, and be creative if you’re going to heckle. Stuff like "You're missing a good game" has been retread many times, and lacks imagination. If you do plan on complaining about these things I mentioned above or chiming in with some "Do you need glasses" type heckle then let me suggest you make a career change by clicking here, I'm sure they could use your help more than me.